Quiz: Are You A Better Porn Star Than Hulk Hogan?

The moment no one wanted is here: Hulk Hogan officially has a sex tape. How do you stack up against the Hulkster?

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Earlier this week, an anonymous source sent the website Gawker.com a thirty-minute video containing former WWE superstar Hulk Hogan having sex with a “mystery” woman (who also is reportedly the ex-wife of one of this friends). Gawker, in response, aired a description of the tape, along with a one-minute clip on their website (check out the original NSFW article here.)

Oh, and did we mention the creepiest part? In the middle of the clip, his cell rings only to play one of his daughter’s singles as a ring-tone.

We here at CRAVE have seen the clip and are left flabbergasted, amazed, and a little anxious to want to see more. But more importantly, we were left asking ourselves – if we made a sex tape, would it be better than Hogan’s? Hogan’s features candles and an anonymous man cheering them on before coitus, but could you do better?

Luckily, we here at CRAVE have developed a little quiz to see if you would be a better porn star than Hulk Hogan.

 

1. Who is most likely to call your cell phone in the middle of sex?

a.) A family member.

b.) Your accountant.

c.) The husband of the chick you’re banging.

d.) Lex Luger demanding a cage match.

 

2. What is the biggest distraction on your body that would affect your partner?

1.) A birthmark.

2. A little extra weight.

3.) Skin of a polish sausage left in the sun.

4.) All of the above, in addition to track marks left from anabolic steroids.

 

3. What is your “sexual finishing move?”

a.) Reach around.

b.) The “half-half-whole”

c.) Donkey punch.

d.) Big boot and leg drop to the uterus.

 

4. What do you consider to be the right “porno lighting?”

1. Night vision.

2. A couple of lamps. Nothing fancy.

3. Halogen bulbs only.

4. The heat of 2,000 pyrotechnics going off simultaneously.

 

5. What is the right music to “do it” to?

a.) Smooth jazz.

b.) Rock’n’roll.

c.) Anything that was cool in the 80s.

d.) Silence. The only soundtrack we need is the natural sound our bodies make of a swamp being wadded through.

 

6. Who does your ideal co-star look like?

a.) A hot blonde.

b.) A model.

c.) A famous actor or musician.

d.) Someone who shares your own genetic code.

 

7. Your sex tape leaks on the internet. What do you do to go into damage control?

a.) Close down your twitter.

b.) Threaten legal action.

c.) Deny it was you in the first place.

d.) Call in Degeneration X and the Nation of Domination to save you.

 

8. What is your biggest fear about making a porno?

a.) Embarrassment.

b.) Venereal disease.

c.) Blackmail.

d.) The world will see just how bad your bald spot really is.

 

9. Which of these porno titles is the most appealing to you?

a.) “F*ckamania.”

b.) “Survivor Series with Boners.”

c.) “Summer Slamming.”

d.) “King of the Clit Ring.”

 

If you answered (a) to most of these questions, you’re a much better porn star than Hulk Hogan.

If you answered (b) to most of the questions, you’re a slightly better porn star than Hulkster.

If you answered mostly (c), then you’re a better porn star than Hulk, but a worse porn star than Andre the Giant.

If you answered mostly (d), congrats! You ARE HULK HOGAN!

 

-CRAVE ONLINE.