Everyone at one time or another wish they knew what their future hold. Well, we at CRAVE have completed out community college course of astrological prediction and can now confidently predict the future.
According to ourselves, we are the most 100% accurate geek horoscope out there. Accept this as complete truth. You’ve been warned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): It’s not easy being green. We’re not talking about being green with envy; we’re talking about being a frog. Stay away from frogs this month at all costs. Even though Derek says you can get an awesome high by licking the back of a frog, don’t listen to him. He drinks way too much cough syrup. Your magical Black Eyed Pea this month: The Filipino one.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): This is your time to shine. You’ve been saving your money to get a cool Halloween costume and it’s going to pay off. You’re going to be the hit of whatever party you decide to go to. But be warned — you’re not going to be the best, the slutty bank robber who drank too much jungle juice is. Your magical Next Generation character this month: Riker.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’ve been feeling pretty good about yourself now that the summer is over and the school year is in full swing. But your friendship skills as being a good listener are going to backfire when your best friend tells you they kill hobos to get an erection. Your magical pizza topping this month: Chorizo. Try it.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You are the ram. Forceful. Crass. You shoot first and ask questions later. Much like Han Solo. But be forewarned, if you’re in a crowed bar and a fat guy demands money from you, pay him. Lest you be frozen and your girlfriend has sex with her brother. Your magical B-Movie this month: Troll 2.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’ve been very introspective lately. And that’s a good thing. It’s important to question the self. But you must remember that when you’re on the toilet for several hours, whatever was going to come out either already has or never will. Your magical Crayola crayon this month: Sapphire.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’ve always been two minds about everything. One part of you wants to live your life like everyone else. The other part of you wants to dress up like Dr. Who and live a bling money money thug life. Happiness is balance. Start wearing the tweed coat to work and take it from there. Your magical yoga pose this month: Downward dog.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Shit. You’re a cancer? Things never work out well for a Cancer. Avoid tall buildings and sleeping this month. Your magical 90’s hip-hop act this month: Kool Mo Dee.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): You f*cking happy piece of shit. You’re always so goddamned happy all the time. Knock it off. You’re making everyone else look bad. Your magical Saved By The Bell Cast Member: Lark Voorhees… oh, and go f*ck yourself.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): You’ve been thinking about starting your own YouTube channel for a while, and that’s awesome. But your sweet idea you have about filming you and your friends doing a shot-for-shot remake of Labyrinth in your basement will not be praised. Plus none of you have a David Bowie-sized penis. Your Magic Joe Quesada penned comic series this month: Batman: Sword of Azrael.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): Planning has never been your strong point, but if you end up in a Saw-like movie scenario, you’ve been warned. Start carrying a survival kit on you at all times and don’t take drinks from strangers. Your magical brass instrument this month: Trombone.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): You’ve been procrastinating last month. Not good. You know what you have to do to get your life back on track. Catch up on Dexter before the new season starts or you’re going to be left out of your friend’s conversations. Your magical Transformer character this month: Ironhide.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your birthday is, like, two months away. Haha. Loser. Your magical Denny’s menu item this month: Moons Over My Hammy.
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