It’s come down to four candidates: Jabba, Boba, Leia, and Vader. Each one of them has awesome strengths and incomprehensible personality flaws. But, a choice must be made. Like any other online quiz to help you figure out if you should vote for Barack Obama or Mitt Romney, we here at CRAVE have come up with a little quiz to help you figure out who would be best at running the Empire, um, we mean, Galaxy.
Vote or be slowly digested over 10,000 years:
a.) I want my candidate to belly laugh at all diplomatic proposals and shove a squid-creature into his mouth.
b.) I want my candidate to solve geo-politics with a flamethrower.
c.) I want my candidate to handle policy like a sweet-16 birthday party.
d.) I want my candidate to choke out the opposition… from across the room.
2. Where would you like your candidate to stand on same-sex marriage?
a.) I would like my candidate to be able to change sexes at will.
b.) I want my candidate to be grown in a lab, thereby eliminating the problem.
c.) Same-sex marriage is cool, as long as it doesn't ruin my hair.
d.) Same-sex marriage is only okay if it’s between robots you knew as a kid.
3. Where would you like your candidate to stand on economic growth?
a.) Tax-cuts for smugglers and gangsters, slaves create jobs.
b.) They can’t tax you if they can’t find you.
c.) Jobs for the poor, tax increases on anyone who killed your parents.
d.) Blow up planets that rely to heavily on the government.
4. Where should your candidate stand on 2nd Amendment rights?
a.) Who needs a blaster when you have a pit monster to eat your enemies?
b.) Blasters for some, wrist rockets for others.
c.) Blasters should be a last resort after an ion cannon.
d.) Blasters are a fool’s weapon, I prefer a giant f*cking laser sword.
5. How important are family values to you?
a.) I want a candidate who is his own father and aunt at the same time.
b.) Single fathers without heads are tearing this country apart.
c.) I am sexually confused by my own brother.
d.) My kids might be doing it, not sure. My mother was murdered. Get back to me. I’m too busy breathing into this intergalactic harmonica.
6. What should your candidate’s stance be on religion?
a.) Feed ‘em to the rancor, let god figure it out.
b.) Silly hocus pocus.
c.) All my friends are really into it, but I want to have sex before I get married.
d.) Religion is the last good excuse I have for killing people.
7. Do you think your candidate should have a pet?
a.) A little laughing rat-creature who may or may not be constantly masturbating.
b.) My pets are frozen in carbonite and kept above my fireplace.
c.) I like my pets like I like my wookies, covered in hair and good with a crossbow blaster.
d.) I don’t have a pet, but if I could put Admiral Ackbar’s head in a fish tank, I would do that.
8. What sort of ship should your candidate fly in?
a.) Exceeds weight limits on most cruiser-class vessels.
b.) Something cool and stylish, but expensive in most Lego replicas.
c.) Something regal or diplomatic, but should be operated by men with penis-looking helmets.
d.) My candidate should have his own star destroyer, Moon base, and tie fighter.
9. How should your candidate react to negative campaign advertisements?
a.) By kidnapping their family and making them work pod races for food.
b.) Thermal detonator to the face.
c.) Tweet something negative about them and get it trending on Coruscant.
d.) Take a hand for the first offence, throw your boss down a elevator shaft for the second.
If you answered mostly (a) your candidate is Jabba the Hutt!
If you answered mostly (b) your candidate is Boba Fett!
If you answered mostly (c), your candidate is Princess Leia Organa!
If you answered mostly (d), your candidate is Darth Vader baby!