Decoding the Facebook: Feel My Pain!

Find out what your depressed, love-sick, whining friends are really trying to say!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Social networks are the one place where everyone feels the need to share their heartache and emotions with the entire world. And why shouldn’t they? Everyone needs some attention now and then, but let’s get real – you’re confessing your feelings to a computer screen on the off chance that someone may reach out in return. There are smart ways to do that and there are… douche-y ways to do that. We here at CRAVE have chosen to explore the latter.

And to do that, we’ve developed a helpful little system to help you decipher some much-needed subtext. This is CRAVE’s DECODING THE FACEBOOK SERIES.

Take a look:

 

What they’re really trying to say: Hopefully, this will convince mom to send more money. 

 

What they’re really trying to say: If you start sending vials of your own blood in the mail to your ex and they put a restraining order on you, at least you know they’re thinking about you.

 

What they’re really trying to say: No one knows what its like to invite the hot girl in your class out to a night of Shakey’s Pizza andExpendables 2 have her say no.

 

What they’re really trying to say: And like I Panda, I too masturbate out of fear and shame.

 

What they’re really trying to say:  I wish my foster parents would stop selling pictures of me in the internet.

 

What they’re really trying to say: Sometimes after I wake up in the morning, my sheets have a bunch of weird stains, but my mom never says anything about it when she washes them.

 

What they’re really trying to say: Unplanned pregnancy is a bitch.

 

What they’re really trying to say: Ordering Battleship on demand. If I didn’t want to kill myself before, this should push me over the edge.

 

What they’re really trying to say: I haven’t had a solid poop in over a month. Thanks a lot In-and-Out Burger.

 

Stay tuned to CRAVE for more Decoding the Facebook!