The Grown Man’s Guide: Parking Tickets


Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

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Nothing rouses the slumber of a man’s unquenched rage than getting a parking ticket. It’s the absolute, day ruining, worst thing that could possibly happen. You were late by four minutes. Four f***ing minutes and the state of [insert here] gets to bend you over and ream you for AT LEAST $45.

I’ll wait and let you smash the nearest glass object so you can stupidly cut your hand open before I continue.

Good. Now that the sting of rubbing alcohol has cleared your head maybe you can see there is a better solution to dealing with the repercussions of having to pay a government fee than just ripping the ticket up. While satisfying, ignoring tickets will only make that much bigger of a target for the government, and you shouldn’t be fearing them… they should be fearing you.

Here’s how to turn the tables on a parking ticket:

1. Channel your initial anger into seeing if you can lift your car

If it’s one thing that The Expendables 2 taught me (among many things) it’s that you can get a “good pump” from anything mildly life threatening (thanks Terry Crews). And losing money is pretty life threatening. So what better way to burn off that massive extra adrenaline than positioning yourself at the front or side of your car and attempting a dead lift?

If you pull it off you’ll look mega bada**! Look at the cool guy who flipped his car. Then of course the parking ticket will be the least of your worries, since you’ll have to pay the tow for your newly flipped car. Then try flipping the tow guy’s car. MULTIPLIER.

2. Claim the ticket as a tax write-off

This requires a little bit of reading, which I know I rarely recommend, but hear me out.

On your tax returns you get the opportunity to claim whatever you want, and– barring a massive audit by the I.R.S. that will leave you homeless– this allows you to get massive tax breaks on everyday expenses as long as you can justify it.

I’m writing right now on my tax-write off laptop. Why a tax write off? Cause WORDS, that’s why. So for your parking ticket just claim you’re a professional stuntman (cause you are already with all the governmental HOOPS you leap through daily *rimshot*) and having to park at a moments notice in front of the Einstein’s Bagels everyday is part of your warmup before cliff jumping with your station wagon into a jello mold.

By the way, if you try this idea don’t say you got it from me. I can’t get audited. Not now.    

3. Challenge the meter maid to an arm wrestling contest

If catch the man or woman that just gave your car a ticket there’s only one civilized way to end the conflict. You must challenge them. You win, they cancel the ticket, they win… you let them walk away. And in this case, since murder would only be seen by liberal softies as a jail-worthy offense, you must do something non-violent. Arm wrestling.

But as we see in arm wrestling competitions, certain things could still go “wrong” for the meter maid/man:





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