Everyone at one time or another wish they knew what their future hold. Well, we at CRAVE have completed out community college course of astrological prediction and can now confidently predict the future.
According to ourselves, we are the most 100% accurate geek horoscope out there. Accept this as complete truth. You’ve been warned.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): You’re being faced with new challenges every day, including if you’re going to be excited about the new Man of Steel trailers. You will always persevere, no matter what you choose. Your magic Decepticon this month: Star Scream.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): Love rears its ugly head as you are going to meet someone new. But whatever you do, don’t let them change you. The autographed Alex Ross copy of Kingdom Come is staying above your fireplace. Your magic Saved by the Bell character: Slater.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You’ve been feeling down in the dumps lately, but once you try Taco Bell’s new Dorito Shell Taco, you’ll be feeling great. And you’ll probably get laid! (this horoscope sponsored by Taco Bell). Your magic Snick show: Roundhouse.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Always trust your instincts. But never let those who you don’t fully trust make you do something you don’t want to do. If you know you get diarrhea after Chipotle, tell your friends you want to eat somewhere else. Your magic cake batter: Red Velvet.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Stop crying like a baby. Walking Dead season three will start in no time! Your magic school bus: Short.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): It’s your lucky month. You are the Twin zodiac. Which means you either have a split personality or a conjoined twin that was severed from your body at a young age. It's your job to answer these important life questions this month. Your magic deodorant: Old Spice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Don’t have sex with clowns this month. You will be tempted. Trust us. Your magic Stallone vehicle this month: Demolition Man.
Leo (July 23 – August 22): No matter how much you want Game of Thrones to be real, you’re going to have to come to terms with the fact that it isn’t. Unfortunately, the police department is still going to have some things to say about those people you jousted to death. Your magic sword this month: Rapier.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Stop thinking about what people are telling you you can’t do and start thinking about things you can do. You can’t kill someone for revenge, but you CAN poop in his or her sink. Your magic bird: Blue Jay.
Libra (September 23 – October 22): You’re going to hit a wall this month. Take some time and relax. Start smoking pot in the mornings to get yourself motivated.Your magic Metallica album: Master of Puppets.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Do yourself a favor and just buy movie candy beforehand and sneak it in. There is no reason for you not to. Stop being so f*cking lazy. Your magic Dinosaur this month: Brontosaurus.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): It’s okay. Go see Judge Dredd. We know you want to. We’ll probably go to. See you there.Your magic fart sound: Trombone.
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