GOP Senate Candidate to Outlaw Pooping

With election time fevers running high, nothing is sacred!

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

(Pic Credit: AP/Matt Rourke)



Before the Republican National Convention kicked off, candidates for all major Senate races hosted press conferences in and out of Tampa, hoping to reveal their intricate plans for the country.

Many astute politicos chose to address the still-trepadacious economy, others the needs to grow capital and cut taxes. But for Tom Smith (R), Senate candidate for Pennsylvania, he used it to further his previously stated stance on outlawing abortion.

“Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner” Smith said as he smiled, almost wincing, shaking his head with his hands on his hips, “…but this is an important issue in this election, and the American people deserve to know where I stand.”

Smith, who had stated in a perviously that pregnancy from rape is similar to “having a baby out of wedlock” was encouraged by campaign staff and colleagues to back away from the topic altogether, citing the toxic fallout from fellow Republican Todd Akin just over a week earlier regarding “forcible” rape.

Despite his friends’ protest, Smith went on the offensive.

“The way I see it is, Right to Life encompasses more than just the creation of another human being, it’s everything we create.” Smith continued. “And not just for women… but for everyone, men included. That’s why I can finally state, with finality… that pooping is similar to aborting a child.”


                                                                                                              Credit: AP

Elizabeth Getty, a reporter for the Tampa Daily Report, immediately fainted in the audience. But despite the commotion and arrival of EMT services to assist Ms. Getty, Smith continued his statement.

“Think about it. You spend all this time consuming food, processing its rich nutrients, and then you… flush it all down the drain? That’s a waste. What kind of message are we sending to our children? It’s wrong, just wrong.”

Taking a slight lean forward, Smith decried the practice of flushing, the wiping of the posterior, even looking at a hamburger without thinking of the consequences.

“If you look at that quarter pounder with cheese… it’s like you’re asking for it. Whatever happens after you eat that burger is you and God’s problem then.”

Smith encouraged every reporter in the attendance, “do not sin, keep it in.” Smith then passed around a pamphlet with his outlines on a Senate bill to outlaw defecation in every case, including “forcible” ones in periods lasting over twenty minutes.

When pressed to clarify the connection between a child and feces, Smith was undeterred, “I put it in context of my own family. When my dad would scold me he’d take off his belt and call me 'a little s***’ and all this time I thought he was insulting me… but really, he loved me more than anyone else. I know now dad, I am that little s***.”

Smith then hastily concluded, grabbing his stomach and citing “personal issues”.


But an unnamed source close to the Senate candidate had this to say hours later. “Tom’s been having a real rough go of it lately… but he’s personally sticking to his message for the rest of his campaign. That's how much he cares about the American people.”

It’s not difficult to see how this issue will resonate through to the Presidental election. Often, issues faced in the smaller chambers of government make their way through the system to quagmire more important debates.

The anonymous source had the final word about Tom Smith:   

“Sometimes it’s hard to keep everything inside. I guess on this issue, it was time to let it all out.”


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