7 Ingredients to Make the World’s Greatest Party

Here's the perfect recipe for a legendary night.

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Considering parties are primarily intended to be thrown for the sake of enjoyment, the organising of them often turns into a deluge of stress as you hurriedly try to ensure that it's not just you and three other friends drinking warm beer and playing video games.

WIth that being said, here are 7 key ingredients that you'll need to ensure that your party is a complete success.


1. That One Crazy Guy Who Doesn't Give a Shit About Anything

You know the type. For the sake of ease, we'll call him "Crazy Dave", seeing as how these sorts of guys usually have a mundane name in order to counterbalance their inherent wackiness. Crazy Dave is the kind of man who would happily set himself on fire if it meant livening up everyone else's evening. Having a Crazy Dave at your party will ensure that, if all else fails, you can at least turn to Crazy Dave and say "hey, Crazy Dave, show them that disgusting thing you do with your foreskin!"


2. A Pool

It's not quite a party without the looming fear of getting too drunk and drowning.


3. Lethal Homemade Cocktails

What starts out as an inoffensive cocktail menu of Sex on the Beaches and Long Island Ice Teas should eventually devolve into gruelling mixtures of sambuca, whiskey, egg nog and regret. 


4. Attractive Women

There's only one way to draw the attention away from the abundance of corpses floating around in your pool and that's attractive women in bikinis bouncing up and down next to them. American teen movies may have led you to believe that if you hold a party they shall come, but in reality you're probably going to have to ride up and down your neighbourhood with a van and a net.


5. Dubstep

Because nothing says "awesome party, bro!" like WUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUB for six and a half hours.


6. Humiliating People Who Pass Out

Your Friend: "Hey, Steve's not looking too good… he's passed out in the bathroom in a pool of his own vomit…"

You: "How much did he drink?

Your Friend: "I'm not sure, but there's an empty bottle of bleach lying next to him…"

You: "Holy shit…"

Your Friend: "I know…

You: "…Should we draw a penis on his face?"

Your Friend: "Yes."

You: "I'll go get another permanent marker, you start working on the testicles".


7. Nudity

The mathematical way to judge the successfulness of your party is by counting how many people are topless; if the number is less than three then you have merely attracted a few boorish males to your gathering, meaning that you will have to hide anything of value before they begin punching each other in the head; if the number is between 6-8 then it's clear that your cocktails have been potent enough to convince multiple people in attendance that the best way to make new friends is by displaying your nipples; if the number is 10 or over then you, my friend, are currently staging an impromptu orgy. 

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