Men will never truly understand women. Since the only man who was ever granted power to peer inside the female mind and find out exactly what they want turned all anti-semitic, we've well and truly blown our chance to explore the inner-workings of the mind of the fairer sex.
Unfortunately, our inability to understand the female species has led us to draw some very poor conclusions, the most common of which I'll be discussing today as I debunk the top 5 myths about women.
1. If They Play with Their Hair it Means They're Attracted to You
The Myth: The first sign of female attraction is if they play with their hair. We're assuming playing in this instance means curling it with their fingers, not engaging it in an impromptu game of hide 'n' seek.
The Truth: A woman playing with her hair is as much a sign of physical attraction as a man putting his hands in his pockets. Simply put, she's playing with her hair not because she wants to sleep with you, but because playing with her hair comforts her in social situations.
2. The Bigger Her Boobs the "Easier" She is
The Myth: Big boobs are as much of a curse as they are a blessing; they look good and all, but in the minds of some men, possessing larger-than-average breasts also somehow directly correlates to the ease with which the girl will jump into their bed.
The Truth: Unless she has had them surgically altered, a woman's breast size is as uncontrollable as the size of almost every other part of her body. Would you think a girl would be more likely to fiddle with your 8-inch slanger just because she has hands like the BFG? I didn't think so.
3. They're From Venus, We're From Mars
The Myth: Women dislike sport, video games and beer. They love shoes, though. Love 'em.
The Truth: In a survey conducted last years 42% of gamers were female. 42 PERCENT. That's almost half, for those among you less mathematically gifted than myself. Y'see, the SHOCKING truth is that they aren't all the shoe-loving, Sex in the City caricatures that we often think of them as, much in the same way that we aren't all the beer-swilling, farting caricatures that they see us as. Well, not all of the time, anyway.
4. They're Most Attracted to a Man with a Good Sense of Humour
The Myth: All they want is a man who makes them laugh.
The Truth: Because Jonah Hill is a worldwide sex symbol? While a good sense of humour is a beneficial trait to possess, if you flick through the pages of any men's magazine chances are you will find an interview with a scantily-clad unrealistically attractive woman explaining how funny men turn her on the most. This is because every man naturally thinks that he's a comedian, and by her saying that funny men are the most attractive it makes her appear to be more accessible, when in actuality what turns her on the most is men who look like they've been created by sculptors in ancient Greece.
5. They Like the Cool, Silent Type
The Myth: There is nothing that a woman finds more attractive than a man sitting at the bar, casting her a dead-eyed stare whilst sipping on his whisky through his pouted lips.
The Truth: This kind of shit works in the movies, but in real life if you spend 10 minutes staring at a woman without formally introducing yourself, chances are she'll be rifling through her handbag for the pepper spray. While it's true that girls like a man with a bit of mystery surrounding him, this doesn't mean that you should adopt the demeanor of a registered sex offender.
Header Image: WENN.com / Jordan Carver Media