30 Facts We’ve Completely Made Up About Paul Ryan

You're gonna want to know the fake-truth before you real-vote this November! 

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

It's time somebody told the the real "fake-truth" about who Paul Ryan really is. Why do you need to know? Because there is a chance he could become our country's next Vice President… Or President, should Mitt Romney tragically fly the coup.   

That's why we here at CRAVE online have decided to add to the media specualtion and unfair bais by adding our own stupid ideas about who "Paul Ryan really is."

You're going to be suprised. Take a look:


1. Paul Ryan’s favorite thing to order at McDonald’s is a filet-o-fish because he worships cows.

2. Paul Ryan’s first sexual thought was about Angelina Jolie’s nip-slip in 1995’s Hackers.

3. Paul Ryan’s budget reform proposes some beneficial long-term goals, but is all a ruse so he can buy a model train set.

4. Paul Ryan doesn’t understand what “The Tesseract” is in The Avengers.

5. He once stabbed a guy for being too soft on violent crimes.

6. Ninja’s don’t scare him, because he feeds Ninja’s to dinosaurs.

7. Paul Ryan once took a poop in the shape of Lars Ulrich.

8. He can easily bench 300lbs. if that 300 pounds are starving children’s tears.

9. Paul Ryan is easily confused with RuPaul.

10. Paul Ryan is in favor of privatizing Medicare and social security because he fears old people living long enough to regret racism.

11. In college, Paul Ryan ate an entire pizza after he failed his women’s studies midterm.

12.  He also went to George Washington University because he HATES Thomas Jefferson University.

13. Paul Ryan only uses the self-checkout at grocery stores because he thinks robots are sexy.

14. Inception is Paul Ryan’s favorite movies because he likes spinny-tops.

15. He has serves on both “The House Ways and Means Committee” and the “This Government is Shitty Committee.”

16. Paul Ryan loves all this fiscal. Like deep fiscal penetration.

17. Paul Ryan went by “P-Rye” in high school because he loved to eat plain rye bread.

18. Paul Ryan and Mitt Romey have sleepovers until Mitt Romney has to go home because the movie Ryan rented is PG-13.

19. He loves small towns for their pancakes houses and patty melts. He hates them for the bowel obstructions that they cause him.

20. Paul Ryan is an active bow hunter. The coolest thing he ever shot was 30ft. Anaconda.

21. Mitt Romney likes Ryan because now he has someone to explain Ayn Rand to him.

22. Paul Ryan things the Stallone Judge Dredd was “perfect” and sees no reason whatsoever for a remake.

23. Ryan’s favorite workout is the P90X. Afterwards he eats a slice of cantaloupe with broken glass to help him “keep his edge.”

24. He claims not to believe in ghosts but is a heavily invested in the reality of werewolves.

25. Paul Ryan become interested in politics after his father used to beat him with a copy of the constitution.

26. Has never played Super Mario Bros., because he hates the unfair stereotype of pixelated Italians.

27. Ryan once at an entire block of Wisconsin sharp cheddar to prove his heterosexuality because a high school kid called him “gay.”

28. He refuses to drink Capri Suns because he can’t figure out how to get the straw in.

29. Flew an F22 Raptor at twice the speed of sound while listening to “Rock you like a Hurricane.”

30. Ryan was in a penis-measuring contest with Brett Favre. It wasn’t much of a contest.