The Grown Man’s Guide: Working Out

Hit the gym so you can hit the EXPLICIT DRUG REFERENCE.

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

WARNING: Exercise tips from a comedy writer should be taken with a grain of salt…which you should cut out of your “bacon and yogurt only” diet as soon as you can. Wimp.


Well, Summer’s in full swing and you’ve decided to rest fully on your laurels. If you’re like me, you just got done seeing The Dark Knight Rises and after fulfilling a discussion of the pros and cons, have come to the conclusion that Bane is the coolest guy ever.


Want to know why? Cause he could crack your skull behind one of his knees while gorilla pressing a whale-shark.


So now that you’re in the inescapable cycle of blame and regret, it’s time to break those chains little man! Grab your GNC credit card and follow me to the creatine station cause the muscle train is heading to a**-kicking town!


Here’s some tips to get your NEW CRAVE APPROVED workouts going:


#1 BUY AS MUCH FOOD AS YOU CAN


Video courtesy of Classics On Demand WWE


Your diet should include dual servings of the following: Rice, Chicken, MAX Protein shake mix, Vegetables, Fruit, Pure Hog Fat, Unsalted Cashews, Milk, and Oxycodone. Plenty of oxycodone.


The more the merrier never applied better than to food. How can you expect to double up on muscle unless you double up on the calories? Safest bet? Go to Wal-Mart, find the best looking food boxes, then with your whole arm dump them into your cart.


You can thank me later.

 


#2 DON’T GO TO A GYM, LIFE IS YOUR GYM

 


Have to walk to school? Double jump every step you come to on the stairs. Live on the second floor? Find a way to parkour it through an outside window. Homeless man on the street? Throw him a dollar then challenge him to spar with you. Have extra trees lying around? Chop them down, then fashion them into your overhead lift equipment.  


 

Pic courtesy of World's Strongest Man


You don’t need to be a rich man to be a strong man, so don’t pay for a gym. Quitting those contracts can be hell in and of themselves. Of course, access to anabolic steroids would be helpful. But that negates my entire guide so as far as you care WINNERS DON’T DO DRUGS.

 


#3 TWEET AND FACEBOOK ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU WORK OUT

 


“Just got back from the gym, feeling good! 8mi run, 140lbs bench, lats and traps #exhausted”


“Thank God for my biceps #romney2012“


“Gotta burn to earn!!! the possibities are within you!!! Push yourself further everyday!!! #workout #motivation”


“SOOO happy to get to the gym today, can’t wait to show my abs. TONIGHT AT THE SADDLE RANCH!”


“Just a pic of me. What a crazy workout shirt I’m wearing, lol #gymrat #lol #brosoverhoes”


“If your not working out. Your not working. #unfriendtheweak”


“@therealarnold Expendables 2 got nothing on me, more like Jean Claude Van Ass! #335lbsbench”


“Thanks @cravesam for giving me the body I have today!”

 

HOPE THESE TIPS MAKE YOU STRONGER AND INVULNERABLE TO FEELINGS.