After what seems like an eternity of waiting, the London Olympic Games 2012 finally gets underway tomorrow. Speculation is already rife concerning what Danny Boyle, who has organised the event, will have up his sleeve, with several news outlets reporting that it will feature James Bond, Captain Hook and Mary Poppins defeating a 40-foot Voldemort.
But as Crave Online's resident Englishman I felt that this wasn't British enough, and have therefore made a few of my own suggestions for the opening ceremony that I feel will capture the spirit of our fine nation.
1. An Old Woman Standing at a Bus Stop Complaining About the Weather
There's nothing more inherently British than people complaining about the weather. With that being said, the Olympic opening ceremony should begin with a 72-year-old woman discussing her disapproval of it with a youthful stranger, who is of course ignoring her because she's old and who gives a fuck about what old people have to say about anything? To increase the Britishness of this encounter it should take place in a bus stop, where the old woman is waiting for the number 17 bus to take her into town so she can go and buy some food for when her children visit her on the weekend (they will later cancel). The bus will also be 25 minutes late.
2. Drunk Football Fans Unable to Communicate in Anything Other than Chants
The UK loves its football, but while some may believe that the poster-child for British football is David Beckham, in actuality it is a sweaty alcoholic wearing an ill-fitted England shirt incoherently shouting songs with lyrics that revolve around various people being wankers. So following the segment involving the old woman complaining about the weather, the camera should then span to six overweight and hostile drunk men standing in the centre of the stadium, throwing cans of Fosters at bystanders before punching each other in the head.
3. A Pregnant Teenager on Benefits Complaining that Muslims Aren't Bringing Money into the Country
If there's one thing the UK loves more than football it's blithe racism, so the Olympic opening ceremony wouldn't be complete without a pregnant teenager taking centre stage, cigarette in hand, complaining that "Muslims are comin' into our country and givin' nuffink back", before waddling her way back to the dole queue.
4. The Queen Staring at Random Shit
If the Jubilee proved anything it's that the British public apparently loves watching The Queen staring at random shit with a look of displeasure, so the Olympic committee would be foolish to not capitalise on this by giving her a whole range of things to look at. A lamp. A horse. Some trees. A chair. Is there anything this crazy bitch won't look at?! We'll find out tomorrow!
5. People Worried that there will be a Terrorist Attack
The only thing that can get the British public more riled up than watching The Queen look bored is a terrorist threat, so to get the crowd going the Olympic committee should hire a bunch of Daily Mail writers to point at a suspicious (foreign) member of the crowd and shout "BOMB!" at random intervals. At least it will give the crowd something to do during Table Tennis.