Your Geek Horoscope for July!

Don’t you wish you could predict the future? We can. Click here to find out yours!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Everyone at one time or another wishes they knew what their future held. Well, we at CRAVE have completed our community college course of astrological prediction and can now confidently predict the future with little-to-no error. Trust us. 

According to ourselves, we are the most 100% accurate geek horoscope out there. Accept this as complete truth. You’ve been warned.

See what CRAVE's Geek Horoscope has in store for you this month!


Capricorn (December 22 – January 20): A declaration you made in the past about The Avengers being the best movie of the summer will quickly be shamefully recanted in the parking lot after you see The Dark Knight Rises. Your magical kryptonite color this month is: Blue.


Aquarius (January 21 – February 18): Because you neglected to make a good hotel reservation for comic-con, you’ll end up sleeping behind the Gaslight District Burger King. Fret not, as you’ll be comforted by past superstars of the WWE. Your magical word of the month is: “Scrotus.”


Pisces (February 19 – March 20): You will stumble onto a new love this month when you finally ask out the barista at the Coffee Bean. Careful, looks can be deceiving and she probably has a wang. Your magical B-movie this month: American Ninja 3.


Aries (March 21 – April 19): Double check all locked doors as you will be likely be discovered “touching it” to Emilia Clarke on Game of Thrones. This applies to both ladies and gents. Your magical Rage Against the Machine album is “Evil Empire.”


Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Beware of small cowboys riding large horses. They only mean to deceive you by making you laugh. Your magical weapon of the month is: throwing stars.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20): It’s important not to remain jealous for too long. Let the pain in the world slide off your back. You’re beautiful, no matter what anyone says. Your magical serial killer of the month: Jeffery Dahmer.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22): This is your month. Your homemade Captain America costume isn’t going to hem itself. Get busy.  This month your magical Doctor is Christopher Eccelston. Soo brooding and yet soo good!


Leo (July 23 – August 22): Though you are strong-minded politically, you’ll begin to ask yourself, “is man-on-watermelon sex that big of a deal?” Your magical Enterprise Captain this month is: Jonathan Archer. Don’t hate.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Don’t play hard to get. The Klingon at the Ren faire wants to bang you just as much as you want to bang it. Your magical fish this month: Carp.


Libra (September 23 – October 22):  The Glenn Beck fourth of July ‘rally’ you got invited to is not really a ‘party.’ It’s more of a Klan meeting. Your magical cereal this month: Golden Grahams.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): No matter how many times anyone has to tell you – Batman had money, you do not. Your spray-painted black Pinto is not nearly intimidating enough. Your magical Judge this month: Dredd.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Stop worrying about every little thing and start living life right. Join a fight club. You’ll thank us later. Your magical magic rock this month is: Igneous.


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