Decoding the Facebook: WRESTLEMANIA!

Suffering from obscure Facebook posts on 'rasslin's biggest night? Worry no more!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

You probably have those friends. You know exactly who we’re talking about. They wear vintage Hulk Hogan t’s and can expound for hours on the subtle beauty of Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart's lower leg lock. Most likely, friends and family have been hurt because of their addiction.

Well, now that we have social media we can be exposed to their freakish obsessive compulsions with the rest of the world. In realizing this, we here at CRAVE have developed a useful little guide to help you decipher what your friends are really trying to say. Especially during… WRESTLEMANIA.

Take a look:

 

Dan (about 15 minutes ago): Cena is going to tear this place down!

What they’re really trying to say: “This place is going to stink really bad after I crap my pants!”

 

Rachel (yesterday): Why the hell did I come to this stupid Wrestlemania party?

What they’re really trying to say: “You told me these oiled up guy were going to be straight. This is the gayest thing I’ve ever seen.”

 

Steve (moments ago): CM PUNK cannot be stopped! He’s going to teach Jericho who is boss!

What they’re really trying to say: “Just like Punk, my dad is an alcoholic too. Though, I still live at home and I don’t have tattoos to cover up my bruises.”

 

Carrie (1 hour ago): If I had to get with any pro wrestler it would be Kane.

What they’re really trying to say: The mask and scarred features are reminiscent of the hate f*ck everyone loves.

 

Dave (2 hours ago): Oh my god, the UNDERTAKER just will not go down! This has never happened before! This is a match for the ages!

What they’re really trying to say: “Nothing says "Winner" like a finishing move that involves shoving the face of your opponent in your own croch!”

 

Cathy (moments ago): I’m really glad my boyfriend was cool enough to let me come to his Wrestlemania party!

What they’re really trying to say: “Why the f*ck am I not home watching Game of Thrones?”

 

Mike (5 hours ago): It all started with the dream of one man to throw the biggest event in wrestling history. That man was Vince McMahon.

What they’re really trying to say: “This is what I say to women to get laid.”

 

Carly (yesterday): Is it weird that I find The MIZ kinda cute?

What they’re really trying to say: “I like men with the personality of a rock.”

 

TJ (moments ago): JR is an American Icon.

What they’re really trying to say: “Well, half-American icon. The other half is paralyzed.”

 

CRAVE ONLINE is a 3-time Tag-Team Champion with CNN.com.