You never know, your ideal woman may be just around the corner… if the corner you're standing on happens to be in Hollywood. Or the Jersey Shore.
1: On a first date you usually…
A) Wine her, dine her, leave her with a passionate kiss under the light of the moon.
B) Wine her, dine her, attempt to grab her boob during the cab ride home.
C) Discuss which network would give us the most money for televising our wedding.
D) Take her to McDonald’s then to a bar. Drunkenly stumble through the front door, collapse on her bed and fall asleep whilst she dry humps you.
2: The first things you look for in a woman are…
A) Her conversation. Beauty is skin deep – finding someone whom you connect with on an intellectual level is a person to be treasured.
B) Her striking good looks, but a kind heart and a good personality to match.
C) A wealthy family and a humungous arse.
D) Her ability to consume a copious amount of alcohol; her expansive collection of leopard-print dresses; her lack of dignity.
3: She asks you to meet her parents. You say…
A) “Of course, my darling; I’ll buy the champagne, you get busy preparing the starters and we’ll all have a jolly good chinwag!”
B) “OK, but who’s going to babysit our fourteen Cambodian children?”
C) “What time will the camera crew be arriving?”
D) “What shots do they drink?”
4: Hobbies you wish to share with her are…
A) A love of film, fine wine, chandeliers and upper-class English accents.
B) Stroking each others improbably taut abdomens before jetting off to third world countries and stealing their kids.
C) Amassing a few million followers on Twitter before bombarding them with poor punctuation and information regarding your hair colour.
D) Collecting venereal diseases and wiping your arse cheeks on strangers' legs in bars.
5: Your thoughts on marriage are…
A) You want a quiet, private wedding.
B) You won't get married until there's world peace.
C) You won't get married unless TV networks/magazines offer the right price for you to do so.
D) You won't get married for fear of setting alight as soon as you enter the church.
6: Your thoughts on children are…
A) You're too independent and career-driven to have kids.
B) You could do with one from Ethiopia to complete your collection.
C) You'll have two or three. They will grow up to have their own spin-off TV show.
D) You've already got a couple. Or at least you think you do. You're not really sure, it was a pretty wild weekend.
7: In 10 years time you'll be…
A) Still enjoying the fine life, loved and revered by many.
B) Still really f***ing handsome.
C) Out of the spotlight but (unfortunately) not forgotten. Like herpes.
D) Still drinking, partying, humping then crying.
8: Your main goal in life is…
A) I've achieved almost everything I could possibly wish to achieve.
B) To help better the world using the power at my disposal.
C) To get more Twitter followers who can hopefully help me decide whether I should dye my hair blonde or not. Decisions, decisions!
D) Who needs goals when you've got Tequila and fake tan?
If you answered…
Mostly A's: Your ideal woman is Helen Mirren. Sophisticated, classy and demure, everybody loves and respects her. Together you will lead a private life of good food and impeccable accents.
Mostly B's: Your ideal woman is Angelina Jolie. You will lead an impossibly perfect life together whilst also doing everything within your power to make the world a better place to live in for everyone else. Good for you.
Mostly C's: Your ideal woman is Kim Kardashian. Your relationship will have a shelf-life of around 4 months, but hey, at least you can sue her afterwards.
Mostly D's: Your ideal woman is Snooki. I'm so, so sorry.