The 3 Rules of a Celebrity Sex Tape

How does Tulisa's (alleged) naughty vid compare to its contemporaries?

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

Despite the probability of being caught out sitting at around 100%, celebrities still insist on filming themselves having sex. The reasoning behind this eludes me, but as I always say “you can never see too many famous vaginas”, so I’ll welcome each and every one with an open right palm until they finally realise that it’s probably not the best idea to allow their non-celebrity boyfriends to shove a video camera into their private parts.

But here we are again in the midst of yet another sex tape scandal, with N-Dubz singer, X Factor judge and cockney lass Tulisa Contostavlos the alleged star this time. How is it, you ask? Well, I haven’t actually seen it yet, but I imagine it goes a little something like this: “All right guvnah? Up for a shag? Go on then, stick yer broomstick up me chimney an’ we’ll have a nice ol’ bit of how’s yer Father!”

So does the video really star Tulisa, or is it just a lookalike? Well if it’s the former then it probably abides by the following 3 rules of celebrity sex tapes:

 

Rule #1: It must make sex look like a chore.

If there’s one reoccurring theme in celebrity sex tapes it’s that none of the celebrities actually look like they want to be having sex. I can appreciate that performing on camera might be a little bit daunting, but if they’re wild enough to allow themselves to be filmed whilst being penetrated then it’s quite baffling that they aren’t wild enough to at least feign interest whilst doing so.

Almost every celebrity sex tape released thus far has shown the woman mounting the man and then proceeding to blithely bounce upon him like a learner driver passing over speed bumps, whilst blow-jobs are accompanied by the woman giving the dead-eyed 40-yard stare of a mentally scarred ‘Nam veteran. Turns out that celebrities have boring sex too, just like us normal and irrelevant people.

 

Rule #2: It should incorporate awkward camera angles and weird lighting effects to make it even less sexy.

I’ve always found the idea of recording myself having sex quite unappealing. Call me a prude but when I’m having sex I actually want to focus on the sex, not watching my penis through the screen on my digital camcorder, or tensing my stomach muscles whilst I’m thrusting in order to ensure that I don’t look fat whilst trying to masturbate to the footage later on in the week.

While you don’t exactly expect high production values when it comes to an amateur sex tape, you’d at least anticipate some element of planning put into it before the guy whips out his todger. Take the Paris Hilton video for example -the most famous sex tape ever recorded, yet it shares the same lighting as Spanish horror flick REC. Or the Kim Kardashian video, where the cameraman defies the point of making a sex tape in the first place by focusing the camera on Kim’s ‘Oh-Face’, which in actuality is less ‘Oh’ and more ‘Meh’.

 

Rule #3: They must earn a profit off of it.

Everybody has already seen it. The existence of it will exist on the internet forever. Hundreds of thousands of perverts have watched, analysed, criticised and then replayed that shot of her grasping her traitor ex-boyfriend’s penis. Those who haven’t actually watched it have almost certainly seen screengrabs of it on Google Images, and those who have somehow avoided the screengrabs have heard about how her right tit is bigger than her left tit via their friends. At this point the celebrity really has no other option… she must market it.

Maybe it seems a little “undignified” to you non-reality TV stars that she would want to associate herself with a private sex tape sold to the press by her devious former lover, but you just don’t understand. There’s a hell of a lot of money in porn, and if everyone has already seen her nipples then what’s the harm in her muscling in on a share of the profits?


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