Decoding the Facebook: Sex

Find out what your friends on Facebook are really trying to say!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Suffering from obscure Facebook status updates? Your friends think they’re funny or will evoke sympathy by complaining or posting something vague on the internet?

Well, worry no more with CraveOnline’s original series DECODING THE FACEBOOK.

This week we take on sex. Whether you’re having it or not, we know that someone’s talking about it on Facebook. Most people try to play coy about their love life, why bother? Find out what they’re really saying!

Take a look:


Mike (2 hours ago): I’ve got a wild night ahead of me with the boys at the Crazy Horse if you know what I mean.

What they’re really trying to say: “I hope I don’t get a ‘nervous boner’ during my lap-dance again. I don’t like it when strippers shame me.”


Beverley (yesterday): Happy first anniversary baby! I’m gonna give you a night you won’t forget.

What they’re really saying: “Someone might not pee on your feet when we shower together.”


Nate (yesterday): Mike’s bachelor party tonight! Don’t wait up!

What they’re really saying: “Okay ladies, what should I go with? The Han Solo vest, or the Indiana Jones purse? Which is titty glitter easier to get out of?”


Christy (17 hours ago): It’s been 3 years. Something’s got to change.

What they’re really trying to say: “It’s been 3 years. I need a new shower head.”


Dan (moments ago): You know what, Rachel? Sometimes I just don’t think you’re very adventurous sometimes….

What they’re really saying: “All I want to do is share our love with a couple close friends on the internet. Name one bad thing that could happen!”


Rachel (just now): You know what, Dan? Maybe I just think some things need to be kept private.

What they’re really saying: “I already have several sex tapes on the internet and I don’t want anymore to get out!”


Steve (6 hours ago): First date tonight… I’m going to rock her world!

What they’re really saying: “If rollin’ up in my sweet Ford Taurus with awesome running lights and a nitrus hook up doesn’t turn her on, I’ll go with plan B – bread sticks at Pizza Hut.”


Justine (3 hours ago): You think you can handle this? All you got to do is ask.

What they’re really trying to say: “I’ll hook up with you… but first I get to hook my car battery up to your nipples.”


Mike (moments ago): You’ve got a lot to learn about love if you want to hook up with Mike.

What they’re really trying to say: “Maybe sometimes I just like to be held. Maybe sometimes I like soft kisses on my ears. Maybe sometimes I like to pretend you’re a guy.”


Stay tuned to CRAVE for more DECODING THE FACEBOOK!