So… you may have heard that former WWE Champion and mustache enthusiast, Hulk Hogan has a sex tape. The story just hit the news and there are reports that the Hulkster is furious over claims that the sex video featuring himself and a “unknown second-party” is being shopped to different distribution houses.
Are you the least bit curious to known what is on it? C’mon you know you are.
Luckily, we here at CRAVE have seen a copy of the alleged video and want to give you a beat-by-beat breakdown of the sex tape.
We’ll say this: it’s a slobber-knocker.
Minute 0:00.12 – The setting seems to be some sort of plush condo and/or hotel suite overlooking the beach. The sun is out and we can see palm trees rustling in the beach wind. We can see a couch in the frame as well as a Hulkamania doll acting as a throw pillow.
Minute 0:00.36 – Okay, the lights seem to be dimming and…. The entrance music cues up! It’s “Real American,” The Hulkster’s own entrance music!
Minute 0:00.42 – The lights inside the room are frantically turning on and off as Hulk Hogan comes into frame wearing his signature yellow wrestling tights, ripped “Hulkamania” t-shirt, and bandana. He’s oiled and ready to go!
Minute 0:00.45 – He’s really trying to get the audience pumped up! He’s flexing his muscles and taunting the audience to make more noise. I’ve never seen him so ready to do battle!
Minute 0:01.12 – Okay, the lights are dimming again. The Hulkster is stretching in the corner of the couch. What’s this? Entrance music we’ve never heard before! Who is the new challenger?
Minute 0:01.36 – It’s a woman! A woman coming into frame is challenging the Hulkster to a match! Hogan seems un-phased as he rips his already-ripped t-shirt off his body!
Minute 0:01.52 – And we’re off! The two have wasted no time locking-up to test one another’s strength. The challenger seems to be using some sort of tongue/licking technique that’s popular among the luchadore circuit. Hogan is doing his best to fight her off.
Minute 0:02.45 – The combatants are really having it out now. Hogan has been showing signs of fatigue early on. It’s hard to tell if he’s really tired of if this is just part of his strategy.
Minute 0:03.21 – Hogan has her on her back looking for an early pinfall. BUT NO! A quick two-count and she’s up again! She has him in a leg scissor lock and Hogan looks like he might be in trouble! He’s reaching for the rope, but it’s nowhere to be found! Could he tap early!?!
Minute 0:05.56 – Hogan has slipped out of her leg lock but is no better shape as she has him on his back and is going for some kind of fellatio submission hold! The Hulkster is doing his best to hold on but things are looking grim! Hogan kicks out after a two-count!
Minute 0:06.12 – The couple have traded blows now as Hogan staggers to his feat. He tosses her against the couch and goes for the back body-slam! He lands it! Hogan is now just wailing on his opponent! For the first time tonight it looks like the Hulkster might pull this one off!
Minute 0:07.34 – What’s this?!? It looks like’s Hogan’s challenger is reaching under the couch cushions for an illegal object, but HOGAN DOESN”T SEE IT! IT”S A BUTT PLUG! Good lord, this is gonna hurt!
Minute 0:07.56 – Hogan is down on the couch showing no movement. He’s covered. One…Two… AND HE KICKS OUT OF THE PIN!!! Butt plug or no, you can’t stop the HULKAMANIA TRAIN!!!
Minute 0:08.15 – The challenger brings Hogan to his feet, looking to end the match with a back leg sweep! She covers… one… two… and JOHN CENA rushes to the couch and pulls the challenger off Hogan!
Minute 0:09.32 – Cena and the woman trade blows outside the camera frame as Hogan tries to get to his feet. Hogan signals Cena to stop and challenges the sexy young woman to get back on the couch! She does! The CROWD IS GOING WILD!!!
Minute 0:10. 15 – The combatants lock-up again and Hogan sends her reeling into the couch! Hogan delivers his big boot and lays out the challenger! This looks like it’s over!
Minute 0:10:45 – Wait, before Hogan can deliver the big leg drop, the woman takes off her mask to reveal…. IT”S THE UNDERTAKER!!! OH MY GOD!!!
Minute 0:11.35 – Dazed, the Hulkster is a sitting duck for the TAKER who chokeslams him with ease. Undertaker goes for the cover and one… two… three!!! IT”S OVER THE UNDERTAKER PINS HOGAN!!! THIS PLACE IS ON FIRE!!!
Minute 0:12 – The two are cuddling each other. Hogan playfully nibbles at the Undertaker’s ear… And that’s all she wrote, folks!
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