Advice: Ask Ultimate Warrior

Get some life advice from this stone-cold psychopath! 

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Having trouble in the office? With your love life? Fear no more. The professional wrestler, The Ultimate Warrior is here to help you with all of life's little questions. What's that? You don't know who the Ultimate Warrior is? Maybe this will help:

See if anything he has to say will help you!

Hey Warrior,


I’ve been having some sexual-esque problems with my lady. Every night she’s either too tired or not in the mood. I understand that, but sometimes there’s only so much a guy can take, right? What should I do to make things like the way they were back when we first got together?

– Anxious in Arizona.

Dear Anxious,

Death awaits the non-ejaculating raven claw from the fires of Mount Thunder Beam! Look upon your maroon-bathed crescent star and lick the flames of eternity from the wine glass of the gods! Only then will you know that the only hope for salvation is to slaughter the goat at the foothill of the Demon King!



Dear Warrior,

My boss has really been riding my ass at work. I keep telling him I have enough on my plate as it is, but he just won’t let up. I fear if I take it to upper-management I’ll get fired or he’ll find a way to make my life a living hell. Any suggestions?

-Frustrated in Frisco.

Dear Frustrated,

The galaxy is aligned in the face of the human resources dungeon! Only those with the courage to take what they want from the murderous hordes of Gaul will be able to mock the Son of the Chosen Disciples! Let blood rain from the sky!



Dear Warrior,

I’m really hungry and I have no idea what to eat for lunch. My coworkers want to go to the pizza place across the street, but we’ve eaten there like two times already this week. I need to be more adventurous when it comes to lunch. Any suggestions?

-Hungry in Hamstead.

Dear Hungry,

The wicked ones will curse the day they have chosen to feast in lava of broken promises! Children mourn the sight of the Tuna Club of Jimmy Johns! Bacon or no, it will be a day of reckoning when the skies open to reveal the sight of the dragon empire!



Hey Warrior,

My Mom died this week of heart disease. I miss her so much I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. Is there any chance we’ll ever be reunited?

-Mourning in Memphis.

Dear Mourning,

Woe be to the soul who question the ways of the elder beasts! Forgiveness will save no one from the top-rope elbow-drop of righteousness. May ravens eat the eyes of the desolate and smolder the ashes of the insolent!



Dear Warrior,

My fires of the blood God Rathos have dried and I can’t really seem to find the lighting torch of solace. Any chance the blood-fire will quench the spirit of hate and vengeance from the seventh nether-world?

-Confused in Cleveland.

Dear Confused,

What you want to do is talk to Carol in accounting. Chances are they have your paystubs back-logged. If anything, a few phone calls here or there couldn’t hurt. And, always remember to save two different copies of all spreadsheets. You know how Rick can get.