As men we don’t want much from life – an expensive car, a high-paying job, the libidinous lifestyle of Hunter S. Thompson binging on California’s finest, the love of many adoring beautiful female fans. It’s not too much to ask for these things, is it?
Well, yes, apparently it is, meaning that at least 99% of us aren’t the Playboys we’ve always dreamed of being. However, there are ways to change that. Sure, you may not quite reach the point where your job solely requires you to waltz around a mansion in your dressing gown sleeping with exotic centrefold models, but you can at least ensure that you will in some way move towards the point where you can walk into a club and people will recognise your existence.
Here is your guide to becoming a Playboy.
1. Buy overpriced clothes from named brands
The first rule of being a Playboy is to spend an inordinate amount of money on superfluous things that will in no way better you as a person (in fact, they’ll do exactly the opposite), but will make you look like the kind of guy who drives a sports car with a deafeningly loud engine and who tips prostitutes.
You don’t actually have to own a sports car or tip prostitutes, but as long as you’re wearing a plain white t-shirt that has somehow been priced as worth over £150, you’re already on the right track.
2. Slick back your hair like a movie star who wants to move into more serious roles.
The slick-back is the go-to haircut for any Hollywood actor looking to move into more dramatic roles as it shows class, refinement and a cool acceptance with growing older. As you’ve spent the past 5 years sporting a short back and sides, you may find it difficult to pull off initially and apply that much hair product to it that you wind up looking like SKRILLEX crossed with a registered sex offender, but don’t worry – when you do finally get it, prepare for the onslaught of girls telling you that they loved you in ‘Blow’.
3. Never have just one girl on your arm
Look, if you want to be a playboy, you’ve got to go all the way. There should be absolutely no hint of a monogamous lifestyle, which includes not having just one singular hot girl on your arm. You need everybody in your field of vision to know that whatever happens tonight you absolutely aren’t going to fall in love, and the best way to do that is to have sex with multiple females until you’re nothing but a hollow husk of a man, drowning in self-hate and sobbing as you swap condoms over your flaccid penis.
4. Break up with your girlfriend via text message
Okay, so you’ve got the haircut, you’ve got the clothes and you’ve got the STI. Now it’s time to finally abandon any remnants of your past, which includes breaking up with that wonderful girlfriend of yours. I mean, how are you going to have any meaningless and soulless sexual encounters with faceless women with that selfish bitch holding you back, am I right? Seeing as how you’re leaving her for absolutely no reason other than to sate the appetite of your greedy penis, why not just stick the boot in either further by dumping her via text message?
“This isn’t doing it for me anymore”, you type, “it’s not me babe – it’s you”. You send it and then run your fingers through your slick-back. You’ve done it. You’ve finally made it. You’re a free man. A free, cripplingly alone man.