Advice: Ask Darth Vader

Who better to help you with your problems than the baddest mother in the galaxy?

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Why should you go through life without help? Well, here at CRAVE Online we’ve enlisted the help of the dark lord of the Sith, Darth Vader, to shell out a little advice.

Who else is more qualified to answer life questions than a person who can choke someone out from across the room?

Sit back, relax, and maybe Darth Vader will answer a question that maybe sheds a little light on your life!


Dear Darth,

I’ve been working the same job for a couple years now and I haven’t been able to move ahead with my current position. The boss keeps “hinting” that I’ll advance in the company but I’ve come to discover it’s just empty promises, any advice for someone struggling in middle management?

Disappointed in Davenport

Dear Disappointed,

I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’ve had first-hand experience dealing with a boss that has a firm grasp over your career as well as the galaxy. If you don’t take the initiative you’re never going to get ahead. Do what I did – lift your boss over your head while he electrocutes you and throw him down a giant ventilation shaft. You’ll find that you’ve opened your own sliding-space-door to success!



Dear Darth,

I’m having trouble getting out into the dating world again after a long-term relationship ended badly. I miss my old flame and I worry I won’t find anyone like her again. I’ve never been this lonely and I have no idea what to do. Any suggestions?

Heartbroken in Hoboken

Dear Heartbroken,

No one ever said it was easy to move on after a meaningful relationship. My advice to you is this – give into your hate and embrace your loneliness once and for all. You will be all the better because of it. If you find your new love of all things evil don’t help, try exterminating all your old friends. Then, undertake a construction project.

            D. Vader


Dear Darth,

I fear my kid is hanging around with wrong crowd. He wears eyeliner and reads anarchist literature. He listens to a lot of punk music and refuses to acknowledge me. Any help?

            Concerned in Connecticut

Dear Concerned,

Ugh. Tell me about it. I’m sorry to say there’s nothing you can do but let children learn from their own mistakes and let them get it out of their system. You’ll find they always come around. If they don’t, go ahead freeze a friend of theirs in carbonite and watch them come running!

            Dr. Vader


Dear Darth,

I’ve been having health problems now for a while and it’s starting to have a major effect on my social life. I get tired easily and I just can’t do the things I love anymore. My wife says I need to relax, but I’m afraid that will mean I’m no longer the man I once was. Help me?

            Tired in Toronto

Dear Tired,

There is no shame in admitted you’re no longer able to do “normal things.” I’ll be honest with you — I haven’t been able to poop without the help of robots for the past twenty f*cking years and I refuse to let that dictate my outlook. Grab life by the Rancor’s teeth and take control!

            Darth “I’m not your stepping stone” Vader


Dear Vader,

I think my girlfriend is sleeping with my best friend. What do I do?

            Jealous in Jerusalem

Dear Jealous,

It’s happened a million times. They are sleeping together. Trust me. The only way to solve this is by shoving your light saber up that punkass. Go get it, homeboy.

            Dizzy Vizzy


CRAVE Online is an accredited psychiatric periodical from the Uzbekistan Medical Association.