Basketball: A Stupid Yet Hilarious History

Wow your friends with this mundane, yet hilarious, basketball trivia!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Football season is officially over and we’re now in the odd place of the year where we have to start pretending to care about something until baseball season starts.  So in order to peak your interest about Basketball this season, CRAVE has done some fine historical reporting to bring you a timeline of Basketball from the beginning of the sport until the present.

Take a look:

 

1891 – Sports inventor and Canadian (should be your first clue he’s evil) Dr. James Naismith invents basketball at a YMCA in Springfield, Mass by using wicker peach baskets instead of square boxes. From then on whenever people thought of basketball they would think of peaches.

1952 – After riveting high-scoring games of 18 points or less, black people are finally allowed to play.

1962 – By this time, basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain had already slept with 3,472 people.

1965 – The Anaheim Amigos took on and defeated the San Francisco Queers in the first ABA championship series.

1966 – Texas Western College Coach Don Haskins wins the “Glory Road” NCAA basketball championship so Disney can make a sh-t movie about him later on.

1972 – Shaquille o’ Neal is born. His mother is buried the next day.

1972 – The US Olympic team loses to the Soviets at the Munich Olympics. The US would have its revenge by sending Sylvester Stallone to defend its honor in ROCKY IV.

1972 – Wilt Chamberlain scores 30,000 points and has sex with twice as many women.

1974 – Moses Malone becomes the first player to go from high school straight to the NBA.  Dr. Jay is pissed.

1979 – Magic Johnson steals his name from a condom brand. Oh, irony. 

1980 – Larry Bird becomes the first white guy to ever successfully play the game. The NBA finally starts making money.

1981 – The Cleveland Cavaliers don’t completely suck for a season.

1984 – Michael Jordan discovers Nike. 

1985 – Hoosiers coach, Bobby Knight throws a chair into the stands and knifes a small child after a game.

1985 – Michael Jordan is named rookie of the year for the last time.

1985 – Kevin McHale pees on the Detroit Pistons court during game play.

1987 – The LA Lakers beat the Celtics for the championship. The entire city of Boston whines in unison.

1989 – The Pistons celebrate their first NBA championship by burning half of Detroit to the ground.

1989 – Kareem Abdul-Jabbar plays an entire game wearing sunglasses.

1991 – The Chicago Bulls win their NBA championship without the help of mafia.

1992 – Magic Johnson shocks the world by announcing that he will host his own talk show.

1992 – Magic Johnson has a follow up conference because he forgot to mention the first time that he is HIV positive.

1992 – The USA Olympic “Dream Team” beats the complete f-cking sh-t out of every country in the world. Belgium threatens to leave the UN if Scotty Pippen doesn’t stop yanking down their star forward’s shorts.

1995 – Director Spike Lee throws ice water in the face of Reggie Miller during game play.

1996 – Dennis Rodman sets out to be the baddest NBA star named, “Dennis.”

1997 – The WNBA, blah-blah-blah-blah-blah.

1998 – March Madness is brought to a halt when it is discovered that people are actually gambling on the games.

2000 – Mark Cuban buys the Dallas Mavericks and completes his moon-death-laser all in the same year.

2001 – Duke University does something worth mentioning.

2002 – Yao Ming joins the Huston Rockets, marking the first time anyone in Texas had ever seen an Asian person.

2004 – Announcer Marv Albert retires his gimp suit.

2005 – Kobe Bryant has sex with you.

2006 – The Miami Heat win a title. The city celebrates with cut-off shorts and thumping Latin beats.

2008 – The city of Charlotte wakes up and realizes that the Hornets left 10 years ago. 

2010 – Lebron James grows a beard, launches a pro-beard ad campaign.

 

CRAVE Online is the foremost authority on basketball-themed comedy.