7 More Crap Sci-Fi/Fantasy Jobs

Working nine-to-five at McDonalds? Thank your stars you don’t have a job like this:

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Despite everything cool that happens in the realm of science fiction and fantasy — dragons, space zombies, intergalactic orgies, all that good stuff — there are a lot of people and characters that have to do everything form taking out the trash to dry-cleaning Darth Vader's cloak.  

We here at CRAVE have compiled seven more CRAP JOBS that one can have in a universe far-far-away. Check out the original article here.

Maybe, just maybe, your job at Lady Footlocker will look a little bit better…

 

1. Research and development for the Weyland-Yutani Corporation.

Working in space might be a nice fulfillment of a childhood dream. Maybe you enjoy the nice benefits that come with a hazardous job. And who can really beat this dental coverage? Well, you got another thing coming when your corporate overlords decide to use your body to harvest the ultimate weapon. Namely, by letting a Facehugger lay eggs in your stomach. Still though, the dental coverage is pretty good.

 

2. Whoever the hell has to explain something “human” to Data.

WE GET IT. You’re a ROBOT. You don’t understand human emotions. Stop asking questions and help us kill these Borg before they assimilate! Every time the crew of the Enterprise is about to go on some sort of adventure or tension are running high, Data starts asking annoying questions about “what fear is.” Listen you cybernetic sh*t-head, download it of the ship’s computer if you have to.

 

3. Whoever has to pick up Admiral Ackbar’s poop.

You’re going to sit there and tell me that this thing uses a toilet? Go ahead and think about Ackbar sliding off his Admiral’s uniform and using a toilet. No way is that happening. You know someone has to follow him around and pick up his rebel droppings coming out of his pant legs. Hopefully, it is someone who messed up big time. Maybe a Bothan.

 

4. Commando in Latin America.

So we’ve been following around this Austrian guy for how long now? AND we’re being stalked by an invisible, spine-ripping, alien? No f-cking thank you. And someone tell me what the hell Apollo Creed is doing here!?!

 

5. Suicide Orc bomber.

In The Two Towers, remember the jihad Orc that went running into the lower-tunnel gate with a bomb to get into Helm’s deep? Yeah. That was his job. That poor sonofabitch Orc could have had so much more in life. So sad.

 

6. The heroin-addicted Teen Titan.

Being a super-hero doesn’t pay well — let’s face it, it probably doesn’t pay anything. AND it will most likely cost you your friends and loved ones. IN ADDITION, what if you also developed a debilitating dependence on heroin. Well, Speedy (who eventually became Red Arrow) did. Back in 1971, Green Arrow’s sidekick was on the horse.  Imagine being the only member on the Teen Titans offering oral sex to score a hit.

 

7.  Goro’s manicurist.

Sure, the guy’s got a couple less fingers than your normal customer. But did we mention he has four arms? And keep this in mind, while you’re scraping at his cuticles — if you screw up, this Mortal Kombat boss is just as likely to rip you in half rather than give you a tip.

 

CRAVE Online is the hope of the working crass.