Decoding the Facebook: Happiness

Find out what your friends are really trying to say!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

You’re at work killing time. You check your Facebook. What do you find? Vague, obscure, status updates by your friends and family.  Enough is enough. It’s time to take a stand.

We here at CRAVE have come up with a useful little guide to help you decipher what your friends are really trying to say. This week, we take a look at “Happy” Facebook status updates and give you special insight into DECODING THE FACEBOOK.

Take a look:


Mark (about an hour ago): Something good is going to happen really soon!

What they’re really saying: “The District Attorney dropped the ball on my public indecency charge. Can you say “acquittal?” Dropping your pants on a city bus is a form of free speech! “


Frank (yesterday): February is going to be my month!

What they’re really saying: “My health insurance at Dairy Queen finally kicks in and I can get the cyst on my armpit checked out.”


Rachel (17 hours ago): What a great time tonight! So much fun.

What they’re really saying: “Who knew the incorporation of a ‘safe word’ would make things go so much easier at the swinger’s party.”


Todd (moments ago): New car day!

What they’re really saying: “The fellas at the Best Buy Geek squad are letting me take out the bug on a date. “


Forrest (15 minutes ago): No day but today. Bring it on.

What they’re really saying: “Tonight. Hooters. Spicy Wings. Toilet. Awesome.”


Kimmy (yesterday): Who’s looking good tonight? I am. Watch out, boys.

What they’re really saying: “I’m going to use my low-cut dress to get a free movie from blockbuster. Score one for Kimmy.”


Ryan (2 hours ago): The new Van Halen album is everything I wanted it to be!

What they’re really saying: “Dear god, this is the worst piece of sh-t I’ve ever heard, but I’ve been telling all my friends for the past twenty years it was going to be great. Can’t back down now.“


Emmy (moments ago): I have the cutest cat in the entire world.

What they’re really saying: “I’m so, so lonely. Please give me a reason to get out of the house!”


Dave (two days ago): Party tonight! Got a couple cases of Keystone Ice!. This night is going to be off the chain!

What they’re really saying: “I’m going to poop in the upstairs sink again, I just know it.”