The New Year is upon us — why not make this one a little different? Instead of going the same route playing Team Deathmatch to mediocre results, why don’t you invest a little time and compile an all-star team of elite killers?
We here at CRAVE have compiled the must-have picks for this year’s CALL OF DUTY FANTASY DRAFT.
Check out the picks and assemble your team!
Pick 1: Timmy McIntyre AKA “SkitelzFreak69” (age 13)
Living in a single-parent household since June, McIntyre has become the white-knuckle gamer we have all hoped he’d become this season since his dad left home for his secretary earlier this year. While trying to dull the pain by throwing semtex grenades at enemies, Timmy has established himself as the premier pick for this year’s COD Draft.
Con’s: Bedtime, birthday party at Mark’s next week.
Pro’s: Give this kid a Snickers bar and he’ll give you the best kill-streak you’ve ever seen.
Pick 2: Tyrell Washington AKA “ShankAzZ” (age 38)
Washington has been a sleeper for the past two years after serving time in San Quentin for a B&E charge. As you might remember, Washington was a breakout star with the new multiplayer option for MW2, but as his jail time cut his career short, Tyrell is looking forward to getting back out there and blowing the heads of some little kids.
Con’s: Complains, “he never got hit” immediately after getting shot.
Pro’s: Knows how to kill… and in the video game.
Pick 3: Carrie Santiago AKA “NoDoubtGrl7” (age 19)
Easily one of the best players of this year’s draft, Santiago has been an avid gamer since her childhood. When she’s not getting horrendously sexually harassed by fellow gamers in the COD lobby, she’s racking up kills with her favorite sniper rifle. If things go her way she could be the year’s breakout player. Don’t want to pass her up.
Con’s: Easily distracted by glitter and all things “Bieber”
Pro’s: Menstrual cramps make her even more dangerous.
Pick 4: Bobby Milikous AKA “Sexbeast99” (age 22)
With an average daily caloric intake of 5,000, Bobby has little to no problem blasting through enemies on a variety of different maps. This self-proclaimed “king of controllers” is about as modest Chad Ochocinco. In fact, rumor has it that Bobby was working on a kill-streak dance until he started having heart palpitations.
Con’s: Insulin Shock.
Pro’s: Takes one poop break a day… It’s 4 lbs.
Pick 5: TJ Scott AKA “ChiOmega69” (age 23)
This Eastern University Junior is the most dangerous player in his dorm. When he’s not playing he’s usually playing flip cup with the other members of his frat or watching gay porn (because it’s ironic… right?). Because he hasn’t been to a single class in two semesters he’s been able to refine his skills on the battlefield, making him one of the most leading killers to pick up with year.
Cons: Pending rape charge.
Pro’s: Plays better while drunk… which is always
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