5 Most Wanted Black Friday Shoppers

1st degree murder, arson, attempted manslaughter? All in the name of a flat-screen TV. Do your part to bring them down!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Holiday shopping isn’t getting any easier. So far this year, people have been shot, tasered, pepper sprayed, punched, and stabbed. And for what? GREAT HOLIDAY SAVINGS. Is it worth it? Some would argue YES!

A lot of the people that have resorted to violence have gotten away with it. But NOT ANYMORE. Take a look at the official CRAVE Online MOST WANTED HOLIDAY SHOPPERS list and see if you can spot these holiday bandits!


1. Marlene “Poop-sack” DeTorrio.

What was she after? 42” Flat-screen TV.

What did she do? After the line for her coveted TV appeared to be too long. Marlene resorted to desperate measures as she quickly fashioned a “Mexican Mace,” a crude device that includes pooping in a pillowcase and hitting people in the face with it.  Marlene was able to secure her TV, but not after giving 38 other shoppers pink eye.


2. Theo “Boner-Spear” Rossi.

What was he after? Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.

What did he do? For fear that all the copies of his beloved video game would sell before he could get his hands on them, Theo saw an opportunity to part the throngs of shoppers by giving himself an erection and then running head-first into the crowd. Upon noticing the penis, the crowd immediately dispersed. However, 3-foot-tall little person, Jason Morrison, was left blinded in his right eye.


3. Crystal “The Drip” McNamara.

What was she after? Penicillin.

What did she do?  Despite that fact that lines surrounding the pharmacy section of her local Wal-Mart were mostly barren. McNamara thought it best to scream, “Move! I’ve got gonorrhea!” over and over at the top of her lungs. The yelling started a panic throughout the store leaving several trampled to death.


4. Mike “Pedo-Stache” Santo.

What was he after? A blu-ray player.

What did he do? Nothing really. He just creeps the shit out of people because he looks like a child molester.


5. The Hamburgler

What was he after? The delicious goodness of McDonald’s hamburgers.

What did he do? After robbing a Scottsdale, Arizona McDonald’s of all their frozen hamburger meat. Maricopa County sheriff’s deputies responded to the frantic 911 call. Much to their horror, the deputies discovered Mr. Hamburgler holding 21-year-old, Tracy Atkins hostage as a human shield. A brutal standoff gave way to a bloody shoot-out, as the Hamburgler gunned-down 12 of the sheriff’s deputies with an AK-47. Any information regarding the Hamburgler’s whereabouts should be reported to the FBI.