It’s not very often that a man gets to do the dumping. More often than not we’re the doughy eyed Labradors of the relationship; following her around with blind love, stopping only to give her leg a quick hump while she watches television.
However, there are one or two times during our lifetime that the boot will be on the other foot, and rather than having our heart shattered into a million little embittered pieces by the girl we swore was “The One”, we’ll instead find ourselves faced with the unenviable task of cutting the ties with her.
So what do you do when such a situation arises? Read on to find out exactly what to do (and what not to do) when you’re breaking up with her.
1. Damage control.
This girl may very well be head over heels in love with you and you breaking up with her might come as a huge shock, so you’ve got to ensure that all bases are covered before you head off into the sunset; if you decide to break up with her by texting “It’s over, babe” at 2am on a Friday night while your head is nestled between the ample bosom of a stripper, then you better prepare for that photo of your flaccid penis you sent her a couple of months ago to do the rounds among her giggling friends. Be respectful and tactful.
2. Don’t do it in a restaurant
I’m going to put it down to inexperience as the reason behind so many men finding restaurants a fitting place to ditch their partners. Why spend 60 dollars on a chicken cordon bleu and a tasteless bottle of wine when chances are you’ll end up wearing most of it? If she somehow restrains herself from engaging in a one-way food fight with you, then rest assured you’ll be spending the rest of this uncomfortable night being LOUDLY BERATED in front of the ENTIRE RESTAURANT.
3. “It’s not you, it’s me” never, ever works.
You’ve begrudgingly watched enough romantic comedies in your time to know that its par for the course to end a relationship by uttering those 5 immortal words, but that’s Hollywood, son; this is real life, and trying to lessen the impact of ditching your spouse by insincerely taking the fall just won’t cut it. While you shouldn’t be too honest (telling her that you’re leaving her because her apartment smells like cats will not go down well), a few home truths never hurt anyone. But seriously, leave the cats out of it.
4. Never do it drunk
While after one or six double jack ‘n’ cokes you may think that sending her a text message along the lines of “I dnnttss tink weer workin out YOU BITCH xxx” is a perfectly splendid idea, the next morning you might wake up to find that the bad taste in your mouth isn’t just last night’s whiskey, but also the unmistakeable taste of guilt and regret.
5. Do it in a public place
If for some reason you decide to break up when you’re alone with her, one of three things will inevitably happen:
- You’ll become embroiled in a two-hour long argument.
- You’ll receive some form of physical abuse, i.e. a slap across the face or a swift kick to that flaccid penis you were so happily taking photos of two months ago.
- You’ll have angry, wonderful sex.
Unfortunately, while angry sex is indeed wonderful, your objective is to break up with this girl, not to have potentially traumatising intercourse with her. By doing the break up in public you’re ensuring that none of the above will happen. Unless, y’know, she’s that kind of girl, in which case she’s a keeper!