Decoding the Facebook: Thanksgiving Edition

Suffering from obscure Thanksgiving Facebook updates? Here’s a guide to what your friends are really saying!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Piping hot mashed potatoes. Stuffing. Warm turkey with gravy. An Uncle with a drinking problem making way too much eye contact with your sister. This is the joy that is the Thanksgiving Holiday. And, now that we have the social media wonder that is Facebook, we can share our thoughts and thanks with our friends all over the world.

But, are people willing to disclose what they really think? No. Well, luckily, we here at CRAVE have come up with a useful guide that helps Facebook users decipher what their friends are really trying to say…


Dan (about an hour ago): Crazy Aunt Mabel’s at it again!

What they’re really saying: “Okay. Not cool. This f-cking b*tch just called my new girlfriend a “loose hussy.””


Rachel (yesterday): Cooking up a storm for big thanksgiving all by myself!

What they’re really saying: “That’s right, Will — just sit there. Sit there like the piece of sh-t you are. Did I just cut my finger again? Sure. But OHHHHH NOOOO, don’t want to get in the way of f-cking Modern Warfare 3.”


Micah (seconds ago): Night #2 of sharing my room with Grandma and Grandpa!

What they’re really saying: “Jeez, can’t a guy masturbate around here?”


Carolyn (two days ago): Just bought my first tofurkey!

What they’re really saying: “I’m better than you.”


Dave (moments ago): Let’s spend time being thankful for some people who, despite warm offers, think it’s a little more important taking charge of #Occupy Duluth.

What they’re really saying: “I’m horribly and utterly alone.”


Jason (4 hours ago): This holiday just got a whole lot better!

What they're really saying: I just injected my diabetic cousin’s insulin right into my scrotum. They look huge! This is awesome.


Jaime (yesterday):  Good family, good laughs, good times.

What they're really saying: “My Uncle has used the ‘n-word’ several times and we haven’t even carved the turkey yet.”


Levi (7 hours ago): Should be an interesting day…

What they’re really saying: “Just put all the weed I brought home from college into the stuffing… Let’s get this party started.”


Sarah: (moments ago): Only a few more hours until X-mas shopping starts!

What they’re really saying: I have an AK-47 with a laser sight modification, 4 semtex grenades, and a silenced Walther PPK. I will be getting that Black Friday Flat-screen TV special. Oh, yes I will.”


Happy Holidays from CRAVE!