When frolicking through the internet, have you ever wished that you could assign yourself the role of an e-law enforcer, banning people from tweeting photographs of themselves in their bathroom mirror and spelling “you’re” without the apostrophe? Of course you have. In fact, while reading this article you probably took great offence to my use of the word “frolicking” when I could’ve just as easily used the word “clicking”.
So if the internet were to be as strictly moderated as real life, what laws should be put in place? Here are my personal choices – feel free to leave yours in the comment section below.
All Comments Should Remain On-Topic
Law: When browsing YouTube any comments left upon a video should pertain solely to said video. Clicking on a Justin Bieber music video should not lead viewers into the middle of a race war, and users should be banned from hurriedly typing the word “FIRST!!!” Similarly, users should not be allowed to type a three paragraph speech detailing their disdain for users who hurriedly type the word “FIRST!!!”
Punishment: For 3 months all of the users acquaintances IRL (in real life) are required by law to ignore every little inane thing that the user dribbles from out of his/her mouth.
Profile Pictures Should Be Of the Individual Whose Profile It Is
Law: Regardless of how proud the individual is of their car/baby/cat/dog, their Facebook profile picture should include themselves in it as it is THEIR PROFILE and no one is impressed by a picture of YOUR F***ING CAR, DAVE, SO JUST GIVE IT A REST ALRIGHT?
Punishment: Take the car/baby/cat/dog away from the individual and change their profile picture to a photo of them sobbing in the gutter.
The Word “Faggot” Should Not Be Used Under Any Circumstances
Law: An individual should not engage in a heated debate in the comments section and use the term “faggot” in order to describe someone, no matter how much they insist that it is “just a word”; the only suitable usage of the word faggot is if the individual is describing the delicious traditional English dish faggots and peas.
Punishment: The offending individual will be appointed with a Very Obnoxious Man for a week, who shall spend the hours of 9am through to 5pm following the individual during his daily errands whilst calling him a “fat, ugly wanker”. If the individual complains, the Very Obnoxious Man will respond with the rhetorical question “they’re just words, right?”
A “Like” Should Not Substitute a Conversation
Law: The status “My nan has just died :(” should not be greeted with “Lucy Likes This”. A photograph of Lucy in a bikini whilst on her vacation to Dubai should also not be greeted with “A Potential Rapist Likes This”. The only time a Like should substitute a conversation is if you genuinely like what that individual has said, or if you have no arms and can only browse the internet by clicking the mouse with your nose.
Punishment: The offending individual will be banned from accessing the internet for a week, in which time he/she will be required to engage with the outside world in the form of lengthy conversations in the pub, mundane chatter with the cashier in the newsagents and conversations about the weather with deaf old women at the train station.