Rules I Just Made Up – Be A Man

This week we look at the state of modern masculinity and come up with our own rules.

Devin O'Neillby Devin O'Neill

The Atlantic, Slate, and every sitcom on television have concluded that today's men are either lazy morons or they're in crisis. What kind of crisis? How do we get out of it? Follow me into the dark, scary labyrinth of modern masculinity, little one. I will illuminate your way with my magic fleshlight.



Apparently, there are no jobs. For us males, especially, because the jobs from the manufacturing sector were the ones hit hardest, and men were the ones building shit. For the first time in history, men make up less than half of the workforce. This is a problem, because back in the day (and by back in the day I mean allllll the way back before 2008), one of your biggest "manliness indicators" was how high your stacks be, if you catch my drift. Now you're broke and living in your mom's basement, and you feel awful about it. You don't feel like a real man. But you may want to consider the possibility that you shouldn't let big, douchey corporations decide whether you're a man or not. Plant a garden. Help fix a house. Learn an instrument. Contribute to your community and do things you enjoy while you're shooting off applications, and you'll figure out what Tyler Durden told you a long time ago: you are not your wallet.



Traditionally, the more you get your bone on, the more manly you are. And traditionally, this is related to #1. This measure of masculinity kind of blows if you don't have five hundred hired concubines sucking you off constantly (I know you do, I'm not talking about you, don't worry). Sex is fun and all, and we here at Crave clearly love the ladies, but should you feel like sh*t if you're going through a dry spell? I vote no. Maybe the fact that you can play the Eddie Van Halen solo from Beat It is actually cooler than the fact that you can have sex, which, newsflash, EVERY SEMI-RETARDED PRIMATE ON THE PLANET CAN DO. Just look around. How did all these assholes get here? Yeah, sex isn't that special.



Another classic way to become manly is to, like, kill each other in tribal warfare and shit. That's becoming kind of passé now, but losing a bar fight is still not a particularly socially acceptable way to prove you have balls. While I don't advocate losing if you're in one, having a fight in the first place is kind of stupid (this goes for warfare too; don't think I forgot about the military). Getting into skull-bashing contests isn't really a solid way to prove you're an alpha male anymore. Think Bill Gates wins many bar fights? Yeah, you catch my drift. Maybe it's a good idea to spend some time in the library after you spend some time at the gym. Usually at this part I'd usually say "unless you want a job digging ditches", but as we've covered, the ditch-digging jobs are all gone. My point is: being able to take care of yourself is important, but you just can't go around collecting heads to prove your cojones anymore, and, all things considered, that's probably a good thing. Let's evolve bro, unless you're in the UFC. Then, by all means, crack some skulls. But I'll bet you aren't.



One of the biggest "the end of men has arrived" stats being thrown around is that men are dropping out of college and women now outnumber us there by something like 2 to 1. this one's tricky. See, on the face of it, it sounds like we're screwed. Hard. That may be true, but then again, what does college get you anymore? Unless you're majoring in engineering or computer science (majors packed with men) you've basically just paid a shitload of money for a piece of paper you can't even wipe your ass with because it's not absorbent enough. Meanwhile the next Steve Jobs is dropping out of his university and building mad scientist shit in his garage. Risk-taking entrepreneurs never really hang out around school too long, and those are the cats gonna revitalize this here economy. Education is good for you, but maybe think shit over before you spring for that masters in basket-weaving. Just because you're in school doesn't mean you're contributing to society, whether you got a pole or a hole between your legs. And being in debt is offing heavy, unless you're taking the end of #1 a little more seriously than I intended and you plan on bombing a few credit card companies.



The ways we've been handed to prove ourselves as men (f*cking like a machine, working like a dog, killing each other) kind of suck, especially in the modern world. Maybe we should come up with our own measure for masculinity. Maybe being a man should mean whatever we want it to mean. Maybe I've been doing too many mushrooms.


Come back to CraveOnline next Monday for more Rules I Just Made Up.