You probably know the story already. Penn State. Sandusky. Boys. Showers. And… yeah. But this isn’t the first time controversy has torn through a well-known college sports program. And, most likely, it won’t be the last.
We’ve complied some downright hilarious scandals that have plagued some colleges in recent years.
1. Jesus fails to show up at Notre Dame for the last decade.
From the better part of a century Notre Dame has attributed every victory they’ve had in sports to “Jesus being on our side.” Apparently, their Jesus-less opponents didn’t stand a chance. But recently, a lack of wins from the boys of South Bend has led many to speculate that Jesus simply doesn’t give a sh-t about Notre Dame anymore. The University has even gone as far as to reserve seats for the Almighty, just in case he wants to drop by. Assuming, of course, he was tailgating with some sophomores of Chi Omega and decided to check out the game. As well all know, Jesus rocks at flippy-cup.
2. Bobby Knight bites a chair in half.
Known for his outrageous temper, Men’s Basketball Coach, Bobby Knight (while at Indiana) once bit a metal folding chair clean in half over a travelling call. While “The General” refuses to apologize for the outburst, Indiana U offered an official apology for the un-bitten half of the chair thrown into the stands which left Indiana freshman, Tori Meyers paralyzed from the neck down. Observers have noted this was not the first item that Knight had bitten clean through. Knight has been also known to enjoy oak dressers, frying pans, and Honda civics.
3. Tim Tebow’s Mom goes on an anti-abortion tirade during a game.
With only two minutes to go in the fourth quarter, the mother of Gator’s QB, Tim Tebow ran onto the field to defend the “right to life” campaign. Dragging a podium with her to the fifty-yard line, Ms. Tebow launched into a speech defining life at conception. She was eventually tranquilized, cuffed, and water-boarded for the stunt. Many sports fans remember the good old days when player’s parents just shut the f-ck up.
4. Tom Arnold vows to destroy Iowa State.
Known as being a die-hard University of Iowa Hawkeyes fan, comedian Tom Arnold was apprehended trying to place semtex explosives to the major support columns of Jack Price Stadium, home of the Hawkeyes bitter rivals – the Iowa State Cyclones. After a three-hour standoff, Arnold was eventually brought down, not by police, but by a taco truck he heard passing by which distracted him. Upon arrest, Arnold was quoted as saying, “F-ck Iowa State! F-ck ‘em! I won’t sleep until you’re all dead!!!” Arnold has yet to comment officially.
5. Shaquille O’ Neal openly accepts bribes on court.
After months of trying to hide the fact that he was being bribed by “Friends of the Louisiana State Basketball Program,” Shaq finally let his hair down and said “screw it” but just taking bribes in front of everyone right on the court during gameplay. Sports fans remember the much simpler time when it was acceptable to take bribes openly, but also, take steroid openly and pepper post-game conferences with racial slurs.
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