72 days of marriage is a really long time. Just ask Kim Kardashian. My favorite part is when she explains that reasons for her divorce in that it didn’t turn out to be the fairy tale that she wanted it to be. Call me when the shuttle lands. Tap any married person on the shoulder and ask, “Hey, is marriage the fairy tale you thought it would be?” And that person will probably say something along the lines of, “Gee, I’d like to answer that question, but it’s absurd.” Or they’ll pee in their pants laughing.
Here at Crave we’ve brought to you five people worse at marriage than Kim Kardashian. You say it’s not possible. You’re almost right.
The Praying Mantis.
Ok, technically insects don’t plan weddings or get married, but we had to put this particular creature on the list because of its famous post-sexual cannibalism. Mounts the male (sometimes for as long as 24 hours) and then devours him. It’s like pornography meets the Donner Party.
H Howard Holmes.
For those of you who don’t know about this gem of a human being, he was one of America’s first serial killers. Aside from killing anywhere from 27 to 200 people at the 1893 Chicago World Fair, the man was married several times, once to two women at the same time. Above we have a rare glimpse of Mr. Holmes' murder castle. Wow. I envy the women married to this guy.
Motivated by donuts and Duff beer, Homer, while comical and lovable in a squidgy way, is not what I would call a stellar partner. Baldy comes so close to losing Marge time and again, it’s a wonder we haven’t had a Simpsons’ divorce episode where they split up custody of the kids. Presumably, Marge would get Lisa, Homer would get Bart and they’d take turns shuttling Maggie around, as she’s more of a doll than a human being.
Married eight times. Sure there are lots of other celebrities who have similar numbers to Mr. King—but what makes his number so interesting is that he was married eight times to seven different women. Yep, that means one of the ladies he married twice and that woman was Playboy bunny, Alene Akins. Listen, we can all understand why he would want to legally chain himself to a Playboy bunny, but if he found the relationship had soured to the extent that a divorce was needed, he should have burned that bridge behind him. It’s like going to a restaurant, ordering the risotto and fish, getting food poisoning and then coming back a few years later and ordering the same damn dish again, expecting not to puke your guts out. Crazy.
Lilith from Cheers/Frasier.
For those of you who don’t remember, Lilith was Frasier’s ex-wife. It’s hard to be good at marriage if you’re just one step above a corpse. Lilith always looked like she needed some smelling salts and a warm fan to get her going.