6 Reasons To Skip Thanksgiving

You don't have to go home for *all* the holidays.

Geoffrey Goldenby Geoffrey Golden

If your family lives across the country, and you’re going back home for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, you’re actually celebrating a month long holiday called Suckers' Month. There's so much overlap between X-Mas and Turkey Day — it's time to cut the fat that you would inevitably gain at the three hour family dinner. Here's why I'd take an axe to the old turkey and skip Thanksgiving:


1. The Expense. Plane tickets during Thanksgiving are really expensive, and you know what else is really expensive? Christmas presents and plane tickets in December. In this economy of bullshit, there can be only so many major holiday blowout expenses we're expected to shell out. If you've got to make a choice, I'd choose the fun holiday. Consider this: Inspector Gadget, Hercules and Ernest have all "saved Christmas," but how many fictional characters wanna save Thanksgiving? Yeah, that's what I thought.


2. Thanksgiving's Time Has Come. The Golden Age of Thanksgiving is gone, along with the mostly disintegrated Norman Rockwell reprints  in your grandparents' basement. Thanksgiving had a good run, but these days it's just considered the middleman between Halloween and Christmas. This country was founded on the principal of middleman elimination (read your constitution – it’s totally in there). Back-in-the-day you needed a holiday that's a dinner where families discuss Christmas plans, but historians note that they didn’t have Facebook in the 1950s.


3. Thanksgiving Food Is Also Servable On Christmas. Request a Thanksgiving style dinner on Christmas Day. Turkey, stuffing and cranberry sauce would all taste great on December 25th. I know I could wait an extra month for those sweet potatoes with the marshmallow on them, because waiting for things makes them that much sweeter, says my mom. Mmm… waiting…


4. Racism. If Columbus Day is racist, I'm pretty sure Thanksgiving is racist too. Celebrating the Native Americans for helping the Pilgrims survive harsh environmental conditions seems like a bit of a hallow gesture if you factor in our taking over their land and giving them deadly Euro-diseases. "Thanks for helping us out, guys. We totally dicked you over, but… y'know, thanks!"


5. Lack of TV Specials. Thanksgiving doesn't have many – any? – decent songs, holiday specials or mascots. Gabby the Gobbler? I'm not defending Channukah as being a great holiday, but at least they have SNL's Hannukah Harry, as performed by a hilarious gentleman who goes by the name of MISTER JON LOVITZ. And I love the Charlie Brown specials, but the Thanksgiving one is a boring mess. Maybe there are no memorable songs or mascots because no one wants to actually remember their Thanksgivings. Ohhh, burned.


6. The Existence of Video Games. Those precious days off can be properly utilized playing XBOX and hanging out with friends. Or you could spend a ton of money to participate in a dysfunctional family dinner where everyone either cries or screams at some point, without the all-important distraction that is presents. Tough choice, m'friend. Tough. Choice.


Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator, “The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans,” in comic book stores across the country. Header via.