Be it known: blockbuster season has passed! Stop huffing that lacquer and popcorn butter! It’s time to wave in the rich mahogany aroma of depressing story lines and Oscar hype. And upon this cinematic solstice we pause by the waters of the great flow of culture that is the Internet to celebrate of one of our most underappreciated traditions: The Gooftard Alien!
Oh, what sport these Gooftards are! How they lack finesse! Style! Socratic Method! Sensible weaknesses that match their vast abundance of knowledge and technology! Why, just the other day I was watching a picture about cowboys and how they were invaded by a race of highly-advanced martians who wanted nothing more than mere gold! It was a giant old-fashioned Cash for Gold commercial, which reminded me so much of The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Glory to the Gooftards!
Movie: Signs (2002)
Mel Gibson and his children are a family that is permanently scarred from the loss of Mel Gibson’s wife. The only problem is that their small-town suffering gets interrupted by aliens coming to abduct them!
Gooftardery: The aliens are allergic to water. And Earth is made up of a lot of water. Like, a whole lot. You can see all the water from space. Where the aliens flew from. If you had a window on your space car you could just point at it and be like “Maybe not that planet, it’s got that water stuff all over it. See, the blue parts? Right there. Let’s go to Saturn for some Inn-N-Out.” Then the movie probably could have had much more Michael Showalter, which is a win-win.
Gooftard Logic Applied: Water vapor is in the air in Earth’s atmosphere. I’m not real sure about the humidity around the Signs cornfield, because I am an expert on neither humidity nor corn, but this means that just breathing on our planet would have been painful for the aliens, like getting gassed at an Ohio State keggar.
Movie: I Come In Peace (1990)
An alien vice cop chases an alien drug dealer around Houston! And then human vice cops and human drug dealers keep getting in the way! Good thing there were no animal vice cops or animal drug dealers around!
Gooftardery: This giant WWF wrestler came to earth to score drugs. Hey, that seems reasonable, sometimes you have to fly if you want to buy. Wait, what’s this? He had to make his own drugs? Harsh. Well I bet he did with some kind of lab like “Breaking Bad” does.
Oh, wait, I’ve got this all wrong. He had an organic recipe:
1.) Take one human at a time, preferably in a wide-open space
2.) Shoot mass amounts of heroin into their hearts until their brains turned into mushy endorphin pudding
3.) Extract the brain pudding with a giant hypodermic spike stabbed into the head, clearly
4.) Become the Tony Montana of intergalactic brain pudding drug
Gooftard Logic Applied: Even if you are on the run from space cops, or earth cops, any good brain pudding drug-maker worth his salt knows that retirement homes and hospitals are chock full of people that would probably let you put you put spikes in their heads. You’re welcome.
Movie: UHF (1989)
Two idiots take over a television station that is doomed to fail. Little do they realize that they are inside of a movie about the doomed television station that is also doomed to fail. Somebody should make a documentary about these doomed-to-fail media enterprises that nobody watches, except the documentary also has to be doomed to fail.
Gooftardery: Philo, the Chief Engineer at U62, is the only good Gooftard Alien in our list…his powers of gooftardery worked for the forces of protagonism, propelling a stupid movie into awesome-stupid territory! They guy had the power to fly back to space for the entirety of the film, but instead chose to slum it on our planet by helping Weird Al and his friends do that one panty-cam gag from Revenge of the Nerds on RJ Fletcher. Sometimes I wonder if he helped U62 as some sort of penance for working at Fox News on Pluto.
Gooftard Logic Applied: Applied and applauded! This generous being brought cosmic science to us and educated viewers on how to make homemade plutonium, free of charge! In this sense, he’s like the Mother Theresa of gooftard aliens. Most of the other guys on this list would just try to melt your child’s face off.
Movie: A Trip to the Moon (1902)
Earth men create a space ship that is a giant bullet and shoot it into the face of the Moon out of a giant earth gun. I like to think that Revenge of the Fallen was an homage to this French classic. La Vie en Labeouf!
Gooftardery: The people on the moon don’t even attempt to communicate with the Earth people, they just jump up and down and act aggressive. Which would be a really great strategy if your body didn’t turn into fucking smoke whenever someone tried to defend themselves and swatted back at you. To further their gooftardery, these aliens carry projectile weapons but no shields. Is that how warfare works on the Moon? They just put all of their energy into offensive tactics, and if that doesn’t work, I guess you could always turn into smoke upon contact.
Gooftard Logic Applied: They have no moon pro wrestling whatsoever. The Moon Three Stooges? They only made one short. The moon Hurt Locker is a movie about people high-fiving each other.
Movie: Super 8 (2011)
The guy from “Friday Night Lights” and his child are are a family that is permanently scarred from the loss of Friday Night Light’s wife. The only problem is that their small-town suffering gets interrupted by an alien coming to abduct them!
Gooftardery: Why did the alien take people to his Stephen King pit? Because he was lonely? He doesn’t eat them or use them as fuel. In trying to return the wonder and mystique of sci-fi films of yore, Super 8 just felt like the 1980s clearing its throat. They should have made this deleted scene when the kid lets go of the locket of his mother at the end:
Kid: “Hey, what’re you building your space ship out of?”
Alien: “Your Mom.”
It could be a scene in the prequel for Super 8 called that I’ve been pitching called Motel 6, which is cheaper and not quite as clean. This movie was so gooftarded that nobody in the audience even noticed that the science teacher played the same part in Gremlins.
Gooftard Logic Applied: ThinkGeek really needs to get their ass in gear on a Super 8 water tower magnet for your refrigerator. Or some kind of Super 8 toolbox buddy that holds all of your loose nails and bolts and has an emo alien crawling up the side who sings Bright Eyes songs when you touch it.
I hope that you folks have learned to embrace and support the shining corner of our artistic legacy that is Gooftard Aliens; they build our Kingdoms of Crystal Skulls and keep our Battlefields Earthy. Probably, one day, if we’re lucky, we will finally get a genuine visit from our neighbors in the great beyond, and we can only hope that they will struggle for their civil rights to be portrayed as intelligent brain-sucking beings.