Women Uncoded Part 2: The Positive Crap

I know you; you’re a moron and you need help like a masochistic pyromaniac. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Women Uncoded Part 2: The Positive Crap

I know you; you’re a moron and you need help like a masochistic pyromaniac.

She says: You’re so cute.

What it really means: I’m open to shagging you.

Cute, in the female lexicon, is a powerful word. Not to delve into clichés again, but women fall for cute the way they fall for shoe sales and fro-yo. Show a woman a puppy, show a woman a basket of puppies and she’s about to lose control. Women also do not use the word cute very lightly, and if they have deemed you cute, you are like that basket of puppies. And if a woman could take a basket of puppies to bed with her, she would—in fact, some do.

She says: Could you help me open this jar?

What it really means: Realize how vulnerable and in need of love and protection I am.

Seriously, gents—while there are some jars that are damn near difficult to open, and I mean welded on with no signs of quitting—women are the most resourceful gender of the human species on the planet and honest to God, they don’t really need your help. In asking you to open that jar, they’re really just trying to get you macho-protective vibes revved up. Seriously, when I’m alone and there’s a jar that’s particularly rough to get open, I bang on it, I dance on it, I use knives, screwdrivers, plungers and pliers to get the lid open. I once cracked the glass and ran the shards and tomato sauce through a strainer, before I would ask for anyone’s help. And that’s what you’re dealing with here.

She says: Could you walk me to my car?

What it really means: I’m open to you making a move on me.

Listen, if a woman asks you the above question, you might just think it’s simply a matter of her not wanting to get raped and beaten on the way to her vehicle. Not so. Most women don’t want to have one on one time with a man they’re not interested in. Seriously. I don’t want to talk to some random guy I barely know on a dark street, just so he can “safe walk” me. Shit like that can get awkward and fast. If she’s ASKING you for some alone time by her car and then lingers extending the conversation with you, that’s a big wave in. 10 percent of our readers all ready know that. The rest are completely clueless.

She says: (giggling) You’re such an a-hole/jerk/dick!

What it really means: I’m open to shagging you.

Here’s the thing. Women are pretty direct. Actually, now that I think of it, we’re not that direct at all. What I mean is, that usually when a woman says that YOU sir, are THIS NEGATIVE THING, we usually aren’t kidding around. However, if we say that while cracking a smile, smirking, laughing or what-have-you—that changes everything. It’s like she’s telling you, “you’re kind of a bad boy and I think I kind of like it.” So you need to keep repeating that whatever-it-was-you-were-doing, but next time, lean into her a little more. I guarantee you, it will be a hit.