Netflix’s New Strategy: Do Stupid Things

Our sources say Qwikster's just the beginning. More infuriating business decisions are on their way!

Geoffrey Goldenby Geoffrey Golden

This summer, Netflix separated their streaming and DVD mailing services, raising the price for having both – which everybody hated. Recently, Netflix announced they’re splitting DVD shipping and streaming into two separate companies. The former company will be called Qwikster, which I thought was the name of my shady, locally owned corner grocery store. However, we’ve got a guy on the inside saying Netflix has got more boneheaded tricks up its retarded sleeve. Here’s what you can expect in your red envelope the next couple of years:

1. Netflix will break documentary film streaming into its own separate company called Doc-U-View. Their statistics have shown that documentaries are popular on the service, so to better serve customers who watch their endless catalog of National Geographic specials and movies about what’s wrong with America, they’ll split off the genre into a whole separate business. It will cost you more to watch documentaries in addition to normal movies. There will be confusion about the name, because “Doc-U-View” is also a popular Google Docs knockoff.

2. Netflix will license Detective Don Flack from “CSI:NY” and Flik from A Bug’s Life, making the characters co-mascots for the company. Flack will be seen on adult and edgier genre pages, whereas Flik will appear on family friendly genre pages. To integrate the characters, the name of the company will be displayed as “Netflack” and “Netflik,” depending on what kind of movie or TV show you’re searching for.

3. Netflix will spin Netflack and Netflik into separate websites. Each site will deliver streaming content to different audiences. Netflix will be for general audiences, Netflack for edgier, adult audiences and Netflik for kids. Although a Netflix subscription will cover content on Netflack and Netflik, a Netflack subscription will only cover content for Netflack and Netflix, while a Netflik subscription only covers classic Pixar movies and episodes of “Suite Life On Deck.” Eventually, Netflack and Netflik will be transitioned into separate companies.

4. Qwikster will begin delivering game discs for an additional fee, but only used CD-ROM games from the 90s their employees find in thrift stores. Myst will be their most popular title, of course, but be prepared to wait a long time to get your hands on their lightly scratched copy of The 7th Guest. Even though many customers will point out that it’s not a game, the Encyclopedia Britannica Deluxe CD-ROM will be classified as one.

5. Netflix will set their California offices on fire, in order to collect the insurance money. They will make it look like an accident. At this point, Netflix’s clumsiness is so widely acknowledged, Nationwide won’t even send someone over to investigate before mailing them a check.

Geoffrey Golden is the Editor in Chief of The Devastator, “The Quarterly Comedy Magazine For Humans,” in comic book stores across the country. Header image via.