What Is Up With Everyone Today?!?

Some days, everyone is just trying to pick a fight.

Zack S. Westby Zack S. West

I don't put a lot of clout in astrology and other supernatural excuses for common human behavior. However, I read an article a few years back (that I am completely incapable of reproducing at the moment, so just suck it up and trust me for a minute) about a group of regular crossword solvers who were isolated from society for a week, and given the crossword from the newspaper a day later. In every single case, they solved the puzzles quicker than an equally talented group solving the day before.

Why? The hypothesis was that there is a common human subconscious, and that the answers to that crossword was now known, and therefore easier. Of course, I still spend all week working on the Sunday Times, and still don't always finish it. But the important thing is the idea that we're all sort of connected in a way that can't totally be measured.

Not quite, but closer than you'd like to admit.

So, what the hell do crosswords have to do with anything, right? Here's the thing. You know some days, when it seems like everybody is just mad? I mean, it happens with a lot of situations. Everyone has a long, tiring, shitty week. Everyone is suddenly driving crazy today. Everyone has diarrhea (most common in Mexico). Some call it serendipity, some call it random patterns emerging in chaos… I like to think that it's the same thing as the crosswords. And when you hit that day when everyone is on the edge for apparently no reason, it makes a lot of sense.

So what the hell, people? Why are you all so mad right now? Think about it. All I said was "are we meeting up or not" and y'all were on my ass like green on grass. Or maybe we bumped on the street and you insulted my mother's character and figure. That guy I accidentally hit in the face with a lit cigarette… okay, you have every right to be mad. I was gesticulating. Now we all know that the three feet of personal space I was talking about is for your safety, not my comfort. See? We learned something. Are we, like, even?

Am I gonna have to put this thing in backwards? Will that satisfy you?

My point is, what are you really mad about? You can't actually be that angry at me. I'm not that big a deal, and certainly not worth getting mad about. So what is up humanity's communal butt?

A lot of people, when they realize they've been irrationally mad, cite a "lot of small things" as the reason why they are feeling this way. Myself included. But if you look at all those small things, the sum of anger is still greater than the total of it's parts… of things that make anger. I think that disparity is exactly this phenomenon – sometimes, we're all just a little angry. All of us, simultaneously, pissed off about completely different things, but for the same reason. Today, we woke up, and decided we were all going to be angry and make each other miserable.

Sorry about bitching like this. I just hate when everyone is mad. It feels like you can't go anywhere or do anything without some jackass getting up in yo face and puttin' up signals like he's somebody. You ain't nobody, bitch. So get the f*** out of my face. Seriously. Will everybody just calm the f*** down?!?

Shit. Now I've got the bug. I'm gonna go isolate myself until we all get a random and simultaneous wave of horny.