How To Become Friends With Benefits

The complete and perfect guide.  Money in the bank.

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

I’m going to begin this article with a reference to Schrödinger’s Cat.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Schrödinger’s Cat thought experiment, allow me to explain: Physicist Edwin Schrödinger devised a paradox which proposed that if a cat were to be left in a sealed box with a flask containing poison, a radioactive source and a Geiger counter, there is an equal chance that the cat has survived/died. If the internal Geiger counter detects the radioactive source, then it would shatter the flask with the poison inside of it that would kill the cat. However, if the Geiger counter did not detect the radioactive source, then the flask would remain intact and the pussy would remain perfectly fine.

Schrödinger explained that as there is no way for those outside of the box to know of the cat’s fate the feline is therefore both alive and dead, creating a paradox. Equally, if a single male and a single female are locked inside an empty club together for an hour, there is a 50/50 chance of them f***ing/not f***ing. In the man’s mind there is absolutely no way that 2 single human beings of the opposite sex can co-exist in such an environment without exchanging bodily fluids, while in the female’s mind she and the man are “just friends” and the idea that a man and a woman can’t be just friends without the man trying desperately to get inside her panties is simply “a ridiculous myth”.

Unfortunately, it’s not a myth. A single guy cannot be friends with a single girl without entertaining the idea of sex at some point. It’s a burden that we penis-carriers are lumbered with, and it means that all of these “plutonic dates” with girlfriends-who-aren’t-our-girlfriends-but-are-actually-our-girl-friends are basically the equivalent of an hour-long rub on the front of the trousers without reaching any sort of climax.

A good way to prevent being blue-balled in this situation would be to become Justin Timberlake, but as the chances of that happening are non-existent you’re instead just going to have to read this article on good ol’ Crave Online. Here are 4 steps that will convince your female counterpart that sleeping with you isn’t such a bad idea.


Step 1: Show subtle signs that you would be a good boyfriend.

The key here is to make it not look as though you are trying to seduce her, but instead play it as though these are things you do regularly. For instance, rather than buying her a three-course-meal and reciting a Lord Byron sonnet, instead buy her a Starbucks and then ask her how her day has been. Follow this by holding the door open for her and you may as well be already getting naked.


Step 2: Show interest in one of her friends.

Although you aren’t dating this girl, by now she will have became territorial over you as if you actually were her boyfriend. You stumbling around the bar and getting girls numbers won’t offend her, but you hinting towards wanting to go out with her best friend? That’s just asking for trouble. If I’ve learnt anything from watching Sarah Jessica-Parker rom-coms, it’s that a girl just doesn’t know what she’s got until he’s bonking her bezzie.


Step 3: Be armed with a bottle of wine when she’s had a bad day

As you are her male confident, the time will come when she confides in you after a bad day. Perhaps she has endured a horrific date, or her boss is an unruly arsehole: whatever the reason just make sure that you have at least 2 bottles of Pinot Grigio on your person at all times, in preparation for the night when you will be called upon like a horny Batman to right this great injustice.


Step 4: Have the all-important drunken conversation

It’s the moment of truth. You’ve shared a couple of bottles of wine, you’ve laughed, you’ve cried (you’ll regret that in the morning), and now it’s time to look her in the eyes and utter that one infamous sentence that is GUARANTEED* to make her crumble underneath your downright loveliness: “y’know, if we weren’t such great friends, you’d make an amazing girlfriend.”

And there you have it. Prepare yourself for 7-8 minutes of passion as you eventually make the leap from Single to It’s Complicated on Facebook. Have you ruined a potentially lifelong friendship? Probably. But who needs friends when you’ve got meaningless sex?! Not you, champ!


*Guarantee depends upon your attractiveness and personal hygiene.