Val Kilmer’s New Movie Has Some Crazy Rules

Val Kilmer and Harmony Korine's next project has a laundry list of bizarre requirements that you won't believe...

William Bibbianiby William Bibbiani

Val Kilmer used to be a big, big star, didn't he? We still love the guy, but the star of Tombstone and Batman Forever has lately been relegated to Straight-to-Video movies like Blood Out, smaller roles in indies like Kill the Irishman or bizarre experimental projects like Francis Ford Coppola's upcoming thriller Twixt, which will be edited live – yes, live – to cater to each unique audience. But that's nothing compared to The Fourth Dimension, a new collaborative effort which will be told anthology-style from filmmakers across the globe. Kilmer's starring in the American installment, directed by Gummo's Harmony Korine.

The Playlist reports that The Fourth Dimension is being made under some ridiculous, and ridiculously strict guidelines set forth by Vice Films producer Eddy Moretti, himself a filmmaker who's directed documentaries such as Heavy Metal in Baghdad. The list, below, is full of obviously intentional absurdities in either an homage or perhaps a parody of Lars Von Trier's and Thomas Vinterberg's famous cinematic manifesto Dogme 95, which set forth strict guidelines for filmmakers in an attempt to abandon Hollywood convention. But Moretti's rules are particularly special:

This film must be the best film you have ever made.
You must forget everything you know.
This film has to have real life.
It has to have more real life than anything else you have ever made.
It needs to stop people from going about their day.
It should blur the line between what is real and what is fake.
We must never know the truth.
We need to be shown things we have never been shown before.
We need to see things that are secret to most.
We need to go places that we may not have been before.
We need privy and access to an unknown culture.
You need to take us to a different world, an unknown world.
You cannot be afraid.
The hero must have greatness thrust upon him or her.
The hero must have a missing tooth.
The hero tells bad jokes. But they’re good.
A stuffed animal needs to make an appearance.
The story must be something that has actually happened to the writer/ director in real life, something that they have never revealed to anyone else.
A character must say “Don’t worry, I’m sure you will 
There needs to be a character named “Mickey House.”
You cannot fail.

Yeah… What? "The hero must have a missing tooth?" "There needs to be a character named "Mickey House?" What is this, The Five Obstructions?

What kind of movie would you make under these bizarre restrictions? Because honestly, we're stymied.

CraveOnline will be back with more absurd movie news after with belch a badger in Budapest.