Is She Really Going Out With Him?

She left me… for that ass-face? Don’t let it happen to you!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Anguish. Woe. Heartache. These are the things that dominate our romantic lives. Keep your eyes on the prize, fellas. Any girlfriend at any moment can be snatched up at any time by another predator.

You need to take action first and make sure that these delta-bravos don’t get too close. These are the species that you need to look out for the most:

“The Asshole Superfan”

Does he paint his face anytime other than Halloween? Has he had alcohol poisoning more than once? And is Hulk Hogan on a list of people to meet before he dies? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions then you’re dealing with “Machocus-Superfanicus” (The Asshole Superfan). This species is known to display a wide circumference of male domination and they’ve been known to take women by force. Their bright color scheme allows them to distract their prey and manipulate women into a couple games of beer pong, which can turn into a couple games of “just the tip” in mere seconds. Be on the lookout out for tailgating sunburn, handcuff bruises, and the smell of stale Keystone Light.


“The Brooding Photographer,”

“Life is dark, isn’t it? So dark. Just want to get out my camera and take pictures of the suffering in the world. But when I’m with you… the world is beautiful.” DIE!!! These ass monkeys use this clever disguise to bewitch women into thinking they have some sort of artistic talent! Don’t you get it? These are the jackasses that aren’t even talented enough to play guitar at a Coffee Bean open-mic.


“The Political Know-it-all”

Passion is their greatest weapon. They care about something. They truly care… er, at least that’s what they want people to think. What do they really want? They want to nail your chick! Don’t let it happen. Be wary of oxford shirts and political get-togethers with college kids that don’t have any weed or beer.  At first he’s telling her about Ron Paul, the next minute he’s whispering sweet nothings in her ear.


“The Climber”

Athletic, extreme, and has a good knowledge of ropes. These jerks want women to think they live life on the edge. They should do us all a favor and live life on the edge of some train tracks. Be on the lookout for guys in bicycle shorts (not riding bikes), guys who carry around a water bottle at all times, and listeners of the band, “Daughtry.”

“The Foreigner”

No one knows how it happens. It just does. Maybe it's the lack of hygiene and circumcision, but somehow it DOES HAPPEN.


Stay tuned to CraveOnline, lest you lose your lady-friend to one of these posers.