I don't know if you happened to watch Discovery Channel Presents Mutual of Omaha's Shark Week Delivered Intravenously by Andy Samberg but it was a little lame this year in my opinion. We as Americans depend on Shark Week to deliver thrill a minute, chills, spills, and stupid surfers. I want to see brutal hits on baby sea lions shot in hi-def in slow motion every five seconds or I'll throw a brick through my t.v.
While Shark Week still has it's moments of brilliance, there is only so much Australian researchers named Mark Strong swimming in the middle of the "Circle of Death" can do to entertain me.
So I propose a solution to Shark Week burnout…a new week!
Every new proposal will contain some pros and cons, but all of them should share similar qualities with "Shark Week".
One, they have to center around an vicious animal or predator. Most of the entertainment we get from sharks is derived from violence, so we need to keep the action.
Two, they have to feature really ignorant "scientists" throwing themselves into danger at the drop of a hat. This gives the audience that moment of "Oh, that guy is stupid/I can't look away!"
Third, they need a byline for the end of every segment like "Mind if this Hammerhead drops by for a quick…bite?" Money can't buy overwrought lines like that. Oh, wait. They totally can!
Here are the top 5 contenders in my mind:
1. Large Dog Week
Courtesy of cutepuppiesforsale.net (no I'm not making that up)
It works because: People love looking at uncommonly large things (see, "Andre the Giant") It would appeal to dog show crowd looking for something a bit more "extreme". You could have people on the search for world's largest dog in a 13 part series that encompasses the entire week (fire up the DVR). Have "The Dog Whisperer" come on and try to have a giant dog and tiny pony be best friends. Cats are stupid.
Funny/stupid byline: "Man's best friend? Or BIGGEST enemy?"
It fails because: People immediately think dogs are nice, much tamer than Great White Sharks. They'd get slobber everywhere. PETA would object to stereotyping Mastiffs as "patiently waiting to kill us".
2. Bear Attack Week
It works because: Obvious parallels to shark violence. "Scientists" following bears are even stupider than the ones following sharks, makes for more entertaining t.v. Could finally settle who would win "Sea Bear" or "Land Shark"? Sponsored by Jack Daniel's 'Southern Honey' Bourbon. Bears catching fish jumping upstream is awesome. Brings more filming jobs to American soil (AMERRRRRICA!!!). Find out if Russian bear is stronger than American bear (answer: No).
Funny/stupid byline: "Smarter than your average…murderer!"
It fails because: Bears love to sleep for half the year. Propensity for picnic basket theft. Black and brown bears would file Affirmative Action lawsuit.
3. Night Fishing in The Amazon Week
It works because: Amazon remains scary as f***. Hire some Argentinean bikini models to host "Amazon After Dark", force them to learn how to fish. Amazon river fishermen crazier than bear and shark scientists combined. Dolphins sneak in there from time to time. Would attract the large "Sunday morning fishing show" crowd yearning for more exotic, deadly fish. Challenge Michael Phelps to swim the Amazon River in an hour…try to act surprised when he does it.
Funny/stupid byline: "Planning a weekend fishing trip in the Amazon? …what ELSE could go wrong?"
It fails because: Amazon region already has AFTRA contract with Telemundo. Film crew will contract new virus called "Le Muerte Spleen" that explodes your spleen. Can't use exploding barrels on endangered fish life.
4. Birds on Drugs Week
It works because: Completely unexpected new concept for t.v. Birds already crap on your car and eat rodents, but what if they were doing it…on drugs!? Pit flocks of migrating falcons against each other in a race…while on LSD. "Mike Tyson's Pigeon Rehab with Dr. Drew" will be a ratings juggernaut. Pit hawks on cocaine versus bats on speed.
Funny/stupid byline: "These birds fly…high!"
It fails because: Executive's stoner son "Whiz" came up with it. Birds can't actually fly when they're on drugs. "The Falconer" refuses to host on principle.
5. Steal From Your Congressman Week
December 7, 2009 – Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images North America
It works because: Congressmen are actually the most bloodthirsty, aggressive, dangerous predators in the world…and now YOU have to steal their antique silverware! People love game shows, and currently hate politicians, so we turn it into a competition hosted by Bear Gryllis. Robbers are allowed to have bludgeoning items to use on their congressmen. People don't know that most politicians have a second row of teeth behind the first, specifically to be used on other males who would encroach on their territory (or congressional district). Man is the most dangerous game.
Funny/stupid byline: "They devour pork…barrel spending!"
It fails because: They're too big to fail. OOOOOOOHHHHH SNAP!
As always I am your only trusted source followed by less people than can fit in my trunk @cravesam