No, You Can’t Drink That Anymore, Part 2

The continuing saga of bad drinking habits...*BELCH*

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

The last entry was just the beginning of "the troubles". And I'm not making a reference to Ireland; thought if I were I'd be a better writer. So if you haven't figured it out by now, make sure to read that previous tome of advice!

I just want to say what a stupid idea it is to drink and drive. I know you hate the "buzzed driving is drunk driving" ads. I know you hate the "click it or ticket" bulls**t. But they are concerned about keeping you alive so please; there is a time and place for everything, and as South Park's Chef said "it's college". So don't take anything I say as reassurance of your dumb drinking habits. Be a better person. Like me.

So it's time again for a little TRUE and FALSE:


"Dude, let's try absinthe, it's a totally good idea!"  TRUE

You know why? Because then you'll never do it again. Just make sure that when you do you're present with at least ONE person who gives a crap about your spiritual and physical well-being.

Absinthe is the most potent alcohol available in it's "purest" form (the one sold in Europe). There were many famous people said to have taken absinthe in their lifetimes: Picasso, Sherlock Holmes, Johnny Depp. However, they are all cooler than you and therefore can survive incredible amounts of bad behavior. Make sure you are ready for the hallucinogenic trip; cause you won't be coming back for about an hour, or in your mind at the time…17 years.

"Keg stands improve upper body strength." FALSE

The only thing a keg stand improves is your chances to end up in the hospital. Ask yourself before you "mount the keg" do I know the people spotting me? Do I even like beer? Is the girl really worth it?

Want a way to actually improve upper body strength? Toss the keg over your head into the yard next door when you're done with it. Barring first degree negligence, intoxication, and manslaughter charges you'll be on your way to improving triceps resistance and coordination. Both things you'll need in jail after they lock you up for being a total ass.

"A glass of red wine a day improves heart health…" TRUE

My mother will especially appreciate this one. Yes, I said "my mom".

Are you done yet? Thanks.

While you probably never drank much wine in college that wasn't two buck Chuck or forced upon you by that girl/guy in your economics class you wanted to impress, hopefully adult life has mellowed you out enough (read: depressed you enough) to engage in this higher class booze.

Similar with getting shots when you're younger to build immunity, a little glass of wine conditions your body to its own changing humors, and the alcohol in your system also pumps blood quicker…or something. Do a little research to make sure you aren't imbibing too much, and enjoy! Google or your doctor, who do you trust more?  

"…and a shot of 151 will improve my prostate health." FALSE

Your ass doesn't care what you drink. Unless you just got done shooting four Irish coffees in the morning. "Toliet, your butt. Your butt? Toliet." Glad I could introduce you two.  

"Body shots are the preferred method to drink liquor." FALSE FALSE FALSE

Let me end this entry with a little horror story from West Hollywood

I was out and about with a lesbian lady friend of mine, we were looking forward to an evening of drinks, laughter, and ogling hot women, and if they felt "experimental" they might even want to dance with me.

The moment we were sucked into the womb of the sweaty lady dance palace I spotted the bar and bee lined there. My eyes must have been adjusting to light show infused darkness because as I was ordering my Budweiser a tall, toned brunette walked towards me, on the bar, wearing high heels and leather chaps.

Needless to say I was a bit taken back.

Before I could finish my drink order she bellowed "Want a body shot honey? Might be the only action you get tonight!" I just looked up at her in disbelief and my lady friend answered "Yes" for me, obviously spurned on by leather chaps dancer's flat ribbed abdomen.

What followed was the most gruesome flavor I had ever tasted.

The dancer gripped my head to her belly with a modified wrestling headlock, the salt from her sweat dripping into my cheeks and mouth. Then came the flood of tequila as it came poured straight from the bottle, between her breasts, then rushing down her median line straight through to the bottom of my throat. Sweat, tears, and tequila mixed effortlessly as I began to choke down the vile incongruous brew. I swear I felt like I was going to die. Never take a body shot.

Also, they cost twenty bucks.  

Check back to CRAVE Online for more drinking tips and lesbian bar horror stories, and contact me @cravesam with any information about the above.

Photos courtesy of raveman420 via photobucket and buffetfan via blogspot