From the very first moment you sang into the mirror using your mom’s hairbrush as a microphone at 7 years of age, you’ve had aspirations of becoming a rock star. It’s the easiest profession out there. Sure, writing music and gigging must be a bit of a chore, but can you think of another job out there where you’re actively encouraged to be an asshole?
The one downside to being a rockstar is the short life expectancy. So how do you become a rockstar and also avoid the dreaded “27 Club”? Well, as always, scroll down to find out. Geez, haven’t you gotten the hang of this yet?
Don’t have cocaine for breakfast
Everybody does cocaine. Daytime TV presenters, news anchors, game show hosts: even Oprah has indulged in a line or two of Charlie in her time (how else do you think she gets all the energy for those giveaways?).
But there’s a fine line between recreational drug use and addiction. It’s cool to exit a club with Kate Moss under your arm and powder under your nose, but when you’re coating your sugar puffs with the white stuff it’s time to rethink a few things.
Only sleep with hot girls
A rockstar who sleeps with hot girls is having the time of his life. A rockstar who sleeps with ugly girls is destined for doom. Courtney Love, Yoko Ono, Nancy Spungen: the list just goes on and on, and none of these rock ‘n’ roll romances culminate with happy endings.
If you’re a rockstar chances are you aren’t the most aesthetically pleasing of men. Greasy hair, puckered chimp-like lips and the spindly frame of a 14-year-old girl is the usual standard we’re accustomed to. So if that’s the case, why on earth wouldn’t you take the chance awarded to you by your stardom and wealth to finally go to bed with a few models? What’s that you say? You aren’t interested in women just for their looks, you value their personalities too? Pfft. Everyone knows women with personalities are just make-believe fairy-stories, like Bigfoot or the Bible.
If you’re going to stay around for longer than the aforementioned life expectancy of 27 years, then you’re going to need a back-up plan. Most iconic rockstars have long since died, and our memory of them as superstars has largely remained intact due to their inability to produce further material.
If Kurt Cobain was still around d’you think he would be thought of as fondly as he is now? Of course he wouldn’t. 4 Nirvana LPs of decreasing success later and he would have been playing underwhelming solo shows to a crowd of disenchanted 35-year-olds, whilst trying desperately to regain his former glory by releasing a misguided album of Dubstep covers of his ex-bands most popular tracks. After “Skank As You Are” failed to reach the Billboard Top 100, he would resign to a career as the session guitarist for Hole. Or something like that.
Get your priorities right: partying first, music second.
“[Insert Name Here] lived and breathed music. It was his passion, it was his life”. This kind of sentence can usually be heard stumbling out the mouth of some music journo in one of those documentaries on E!, discussing deceased musicians as if they were some sort of tortured deities.
But you don’t want you life to consist of record labels and album sales: you just want cheap drugs, warm beer and cold women, right? So put down that notebook and guitar, pick up that crack pipe and hooker and live life like a real rockstar: make an awesome debut album, a disappointing second and then follow it with 3 years of unsuccessful rehab followed by an embarrassing comeback tour.