So you’re going through a bit of a dry spell. It may have lasted weeks, maybe even months – perhaps it has lasted 22 years. Whatever the length, chances are you have sat yourself down and had a good, long think about what exactly it is about you that is driving women away.
“Could it be the way I look?” you say to yourself, staring in the mirror at your feminine curves and bloated face, that looks like a potato with vaguely recognisable features carved into it with a blunt knife. “Could it be my lack of confidence?” you ask, recounting all the times you’ve sat in the corner at parties, gently rocking yourself back and forth whilst trying to smile at passersby, only to look like an uncomfortable baby attempting to pass wind. “Could it just be me?”
The truth is that yes, it is just you and yes, you should promptly go about changing your personality in order to acquire some of that coveted intercourse everyone keeps banging on about. Honestly, it’s the only way. Some may have tried to convince you that “being yourself” is what really draws them in, but prior to writing this article I was watching a YouTube playthrough of Deus Ex: Human Revolution and scrolling through eBay to find a copy of Star Wars: Heir to the Empire. Is that the kind of information I’d take with me to the club?
So as you ponder over whether or not you should take the advice of whatever romantic-comedy is in the cinema at the moment and “stay true to who you are”, just remember that “you are” a socially awkward and insecure mess of a man, but no one need know that if you manage to disguise all your inadequacies with a veil of aloof coolness. When first engaging in conversation with a woman, you must remember 3 things:
1: Don’t stare into her nipples longer than you do her eyeballs.
2: Long silences between a man and a woman are only acceptable when they have been married for over 3 years and have become overwhelmingly bored of each other.
3: In the first 2 minutes of conversation everything you say should be in the form of a question i.e. “What do you do for a living?” “Would you like a drink?” and “Would you like another drink?”
If at any point you feel that the words tumbling from your mouth don’t feel like your own, then you are doing it right. If, however, you have spent 6 minutes talking to her, have purchased $40 worth of drinks for her and her buddies, and now she is grinding up against a bright orange, heavily-gelled walking pectoral muscle, you have been unceremoniously played and must cease and desist immediately lest you embarrass yourself further.
Don’t let the idea of rejection put you off, though. Most men prohibit themselves from progressing with women out of fear that they will be spurned. A couple of years ago whilst holidaying in Mexico I drunkenly attempted to greet a good-looking American girl by lunging for her, lips puckered like a horny trout, only for her to laugh, awkwardly refuse and then walk away. In terms of social humiliation it isn’t quite the guy whose marriage proposal was rejected in the middle of a basketball court, but it still made me slightly nervous the next time I went in for the kill crotch a blazing.
You’ve been trapped inside your nervous, insecure mind for as long as you can remember. No one would blame you for seeking a little escapism every now and again. It’s time to break free of the shackles of [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE], frequent forum user and level 72 Paladin, and become [INSERT NAME HERE], Rockstar and human phallous.
Photo Credit: Michael Carpenter/ WENN.com