Alternate Earth Interviews: Kevin Smith

Find out what your favorite celebrities are up to… in another Dimension!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

So, once again the overlords at CraveOnline have asked me to come down to HQ and hop into the company inter-dimensional portal. Though, due to budget cuts the higher-ups at Crave have had to sell the advertising rights.

It’s now the “Old Navy Inter-Dimensional Portal.”*(By law, I’m required to tell you that Old Navy offers wonderful deals on denim, yoga pants, and flip-flops.)

I was actually quite excited about this new mission. My target has directed some of my favorite films since the early 90’s. Now, he’s a popular director, podcaster, writer, and poop/shark enthusiast.

My Destination: Earth 7,324

My Target: Kevin Smith


I step out of the wormhole into Earth 7,324’s version of Red Bank, NJ. The weather is mild and the skies are clear. I was told Kevin Smith could be found working at a local 24-hour Fitness location.

As I walk into the gym, I immediately see the recognizable face of my target. Though, sometime is off. Mr. Smith is not the Mr. Smith I know. He’s built more like a UFC fighter than the husky director we know. He’s macho, gruff.

I approach him with caution. Kevin looks up from the bench press he is sitting on.


CK: Mr. Smith?

KS: Um… What’s up?

CK: Yeah, this is going to be strange. But I’ve come here from an alternate version of earth. And on my home planet, you’re a very well known film director.

KS: Like movies?

CK: Yes, like movies.

KS: I hate movies. Too much dialogue in movies today.

CK: Funny you should say that. Can I ask you some questions?

KS: If you spot me.

CK: Um… okay.

(I position myself behind the bench press. Kevin Smith take his shirt off revealing his toned six-pack)

KS: So you said what? You’re from another dimension?

CK: Yeah, on my version of earth you started your career in indie film and now you’ve branched out into Internet radio, comics, live performance – you name it.

KS: Lame. Am I rich?

CK: I think it’s safe to say you’re wealthy.

KS: How many chicks do I slam?

CK: I’m sorry, how many chicks do you…

KS: “Slam.” You know, “bone.” What’s funny?

CK: I’m sorry. If anything, my version of Kevin Smith knows a hundred euphemisms for sex. It’s strange to hear you say something so… pedestrian. You’re married. I actually have a picture. You photographed her for Playboy.

KS: (inspecting the picture) Nice. And what do I look like?

CK: Um-

KS: What?

CK: It’s nothing.

KS: What do I look like?

CK: Let’s just say… you’ve had some issues with your weight.

KS: I’m a fat guy!?!

CK: You’re heavy, sure. Though, most of the public attention about your weight comes from your own acknowledgement of it. You’ve decided to own it, which is actually pretty cool.

KS: Oh, f-ck!

CK: Now you sound like Kevin Smith.

KS: Take me with you back to your home planet. We gotta kill this asshole.

CK: Wait, wait… You want to kill the other dimensional version of yourself?

KS: Yes! Let’s kill this fat mother-cker! He’s making me look bad!

CK: This is actually similar to the plot of one of your films.

KS: Really?

CK: Yeah, you write a lot of dialogue about sex, smoking weed-

KS: I never smoke. My body is a temple.

CK: Right. Smoking weed, and a lot of pop-culture references. Namely “Star Wars.”

KS: What's “Star Wars?”

CK: You’re joking.

KS: Callin’ me a liar? I’ll crack your f-cking head open!

CK: Could it be the reason you’re so different on my version of earth is because you’ve never seen “Star Wars?”

KS: Is that like a movie?

CK: Yeah, it’s a movie. George Lucas. Harrison Ford. Carrie Fisher.

KS: Yeah I don’t know who they are. Are you going to spot me or what?

CK: I think I should go.

KS: Wait… before you leave, you think maybe you and me want to slip in the locker-room shower and… you know, touch one another’s package?

CK: I have to go.

KS: Wait! Wait!

CK: Dude, I have to go!

KS: I want you inside me.

CK: I’m outta here.


And that was my meeting with Earth 7,324’s version of Director Kevin Smith. I returned a much-changed man.


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