Pop Culture Nostradamus!

The pop culture minute… of tomorrow!

Christian Krauspeby Christian Krauspe

Why go through all that pesky waiting for pop-culture news? We here at CraveOnline have taken the time to make the kind of predictions that can only be described as “100% accurate.”*

What will become of Robert Downey Jr.? What is the future of Apple? And what, oh what, will happen to Justin Bieber?

Some of it heart-pounding, some of it terrifying! Read on, if you dare!

* = A complete lie.


On March 24th, 2015 – Robert Downey Jr. will relapse, but instead of using drugs and alcohol; he will start free-basing hash made from unused Fantastic Four prints.


On April 6th, 2013 – George Lucas will shave his beard and will discover a small band of rebels living inside it.


On May 9th, 2045 – “Two and a Half Men” will finally get its first laugh.


On June 4th, 2031 – The sequel to Braveheart, “Braveheart: William Wallace Versus Predator”will take theatres by storm.


On March 9th, 2919 – the cryogenic head of Paris Hilton will go down on the body of someone with talent.


On December 7th, 2013 – That one jackass in your freshman college dorm will finally stop talking about what a genius Dave Matthews is.


On November 20th, 2043 – Michael Bay will direct an adaptation of, “Jane Eyre.” In which a young Victorian women searches for her true self… and the means to battle giant f-cking robots during a freeway chase scene.


On March 21, 2021 – Apple will come out with the Idad. Replacing human fathers everywhere. Microsoft will come out with a knock-off some weeks later called the “Iorphan.”


On February 9th, 2015 – Tom Hanks will do his first full-frontal nude scene in “Big 2.”


On August 17th, 2014 – San Diego Comic-Con will begin to feature more comic book-oriented material.


On August 18th, 2014 – At that same Comic-Con, Christopher Nolan will take brilliant shit onstage and even still some asshole will say it’s “overrated.”


On May 8th, 2027 – Ben Stiller will finally play a character that is comfortable in their surroundings.


On June 12th, 2064 – Justin Bieber’s balls will finally drop. Only to discover he sounds like James Earl Jones.


On September 9th, 2018 – Ghostbusters 3 will debut, in which the Ghostbusters have an eating contest with Slimer… The Ghostbusters win.


Keep it tuned to CraveOnline!