4 WTF Moments at Office Max

"Why is Office Max allowed to exist, when these crimes against reason still persist?" - Johnny Cochran

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

I want to make it clear, these comments could apply to any number of office supply dinosaurs out there, including but not limited to: Staples, Office Depot…and uhhh, Staples.

I had to visit a local Office Max near my place of residence, and there were items I saw and moments that happened in there that I seriously thought I was losing brain cells. Consider this consumer recon of the highest order, and try not to think of these things the next time you need to "just buy some ink" or your head might explode. 

1. They're still selling VHS tapes

No one born after the year 1998 will ever truly remember what a VHS was or even stood for. There's still CD players in cars, some bands still like recording on cassettes and vinyl; but why, for any god fearing reason would you EVER still use a VHS?

Are you a public school teacher? Did you see a special on PBS you just had to show the kids? No? Then stop it. Just. Stop.

Modern media doesn't need the VHS anymore with DVR and file sharing and f***ing cloud computing. Seeing SIX of these fossils nestled between the CD-R's almost completely blew my brain out the back of my head with a WTF shotgun.   

2. They're pushing their "Ink Refilling" services

Speaking of technology we need to grow out of already…why does ink cost $26.99 a pop anyway!? And by proxy how are you, Office Max, able to magically make it cost less if you do it yourselves?

Office Max, a retailer that depends solely on the "Back to School" trade for it's income (and the stupid people that buy it's overpriced office furniture) can somehow refill your print cartridges themselves and not screw it up completely. This proves that HP and Canon and all those other printer making jerk wads are raking your still screaming body over the coals for their "blood ink".

As a writer, I have to print out a lot of documents sometimes. I print whole scripts, resumes, and spreadsheets of my favorite porn pics. The ink cartels profit on my "oil" dependence, because our society still hasn't embraced "zero paper" transactions and lifestyles which do no harm to the environment. No, I don't live in Portland.

Until the day comes when we can "lazer" imprint things or brain-jack pdf's into our minds I'm not buying another cartridge of your deep indigo crap Office Max! …Until of course I run out of ink again.    

3. Selling 6 different tablets that aren't the iPad

Office Max isn't the only one guilty of this, and I suppose that it's impossible for me to expect a store other than The Apple Store selling their marquee product, but come on! Does anyone in their right mind think HP or Microsoft or whomever is going to develop a tablet that anyone will adopt willingly?

It's not even about functionality anymore. Apple has brainwashed the populace into wanting to belong to it's sanitized white Borg collective. I bet those tablets are amazing pieces of tech that probably go above and beyond the iPad's limited scope. But that's what Office Max wants you to do. They want you to go in for another ream of paper and say "You know, I've been waiting to get an iPad, but look how cheap that other tablet is, it's probably just as good…"

NO IT ISN'T! You'll be THAT GUY WITH NON-iPAD at the office! Do you want that shame? The shame that Office Max wants to burden you with? Hell no you don't. So be strong and don't do it. Don't even look at them. No, don't even enter it into Google "just to see". That's cheating and your mother raised you better than that.


Here was my thought process as I waited for (and I counted) 15 minutes while the one person in front of me was getting helped:

Okay, stay cool Sam, maybe it's the checkout guy's first time or something…that has to be it. No one else would just…oh my gosh. He's just standing there looking at it. At least pretend like you're trying to solve the problem. Push some buttons on your computer or some shi-…ok, now the woman returning the computer monitor is talking like she's never done this before. Then stop interrupting the checkout guy!!! Stay cool Sam. Surely between the two of them they'll…no. NO! Don't reach for the phone! Your manager will take at least 7 more minutes to show up, then you'll have to explain it all to her too…Gaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. Okay…maybe the other line.

(looks at other line)

Two kids and their parents buying "Back to School" stuff…what are they saying…oh no. Don't tell me…the mother is trying to explain her coupons to the checkout guy…How easy can I slit my own throat with the hard plastic edge of this 2 gigabyte thumbdrive case?

That thumbdrive was also molded to look like a turtle. So they could charge $3 extra. The mind reels.

Never go into an Office Max. Ever.

…Unless you need something.

Avoid the long lines and follow @cravesam for more astute and humorous observations about the world around us.