Once again, I was spending some time with some friends in downtown Los Angeles over the weekend… and of course… we had to go check out “the new hip band” on the block.
And… surprise, surprise – the band sucked. They sucked big time. Now, I won’t name names, and, personally, we here at CraveOnline applaud struggling artists and their attempts to create said art. But at some point… you have to ask yourself, “Does my band suck?”
Take a look at the following 8 clues. If some of them apply to you and your band, you might want to think about going after that promotion at work and let go of the rock’n’roll dream.
1. “Once we play (insert random music festival here), the sky is the limit.”
NO IT IS NOT. Good on you for putting forth the initiative to getting your band on the bill at some summer outdoor music fest. But, please remember, gaining momentum and popularity as a musical act is a long and tedious process. When you wake up the next morning, you still have to book the next show. Chances are, if you’re good enough to be an overnight success, then your fame wouldn’t be riding on your epic appearance at the Hannibal, Missouri 17th Annual Corn Fest.
2. “Since Mark, our bass player, quit nine months ago… we haven’t found a good replacement.”
If you live near, around, or anywhere close to a semi-populated area, there are musicians in all disciplines who are good enough to melt your f-cking face off with talent. The fact that you have neglected to recruit another musician is the mark of someone who truly knows they suck and is unable to admit it.
3. “Our Merch-Girl gave us all VD.”
Why in the name of God in heaven are you having sex with your merch-girl when you are in a rock band!?! Even mediocre musicians can get laid! The merch-girl has one specific job, flirt with people and get them to buy your shit. That’s it. The Oakridge Boys suck but you bet your life they’re crushing ass every single night!
4. “Our band has disciples.”
What do the Insane Clown Posse and Charles Manson have in common? They both had/have disciples… and they are both atrocious… musically, of course. If your music inspires those to follow you like zealots, then you might want to rethink your branding. There is a difference between “dead-heads”, and “I brought you the head of a dead goat I killed.” Not to mention any band that has had an ultra-extremist following blows… big time.
5. “Our front man takes 2+ hours for wardrobe. ”
Part of the “cool-rebellious-lifestyle” look of being in a band comes from not caring. That’s it. If you want to rock, you go onstage with the same puke-covered t-shirt dripping with the stench of hepatitis and Del Taco. If a member of your band cares too much about the “ironic” t-shirt they’re going to wear onstage that night, then they just might suck.
6. “We like to shock people… Like, uh, we bring up, like, two girls onstage, and they, like, totally make-out.” Short of flat-out murdering a vagrant onstage, it’s been done before. Not to mention the fact that doing shocking things doesn’t make you sound any better.
7. “Our song’s lyrics are largely about driving fast and drinking (but can be interpreted as metaphors for molestation).” “Your Mustang just won’t stop/Feels good between my legs/I can’t breathe cause you’re on top/holding me down again. Jager, please take the pain away/ too numb to sit down/ the way your big hands grab my shoulders/ driving fast to the naughty place.”
8. “We left copies of our demo CD in all the car windshields at Target.”
Yeah, this should be perfect in case the president of EMI needs some Coke Zero and had to stop at Target on the way home. “What’s this? A CD? Looks good. I should listen to it…” Give it up!
As always keep it tuned to CraveOnline for more hilarious contributions!