CraveOnline has once again, under the threat of violence, forced me into the Company inter-dimensional portal for more bizarre interviews from a random assortment of celebrities.
When asked why I was being forced to do this, they responded, “You’re our Anthony Bourdain. Everyone likes him. Now get in the goddamn portal…”
My Destination: Earth No. 1,482
My Target: The one we call… “Charlie Sheen”
I was informed that Chuck Sheen could be found at Mirishnam Yoga Studio in Burbank, California, where Charlie was working as an instructor.
I entered the yoga studio as a class was letting out. Stacking mats in a corner of the room, wearing a once-piece leotard was none other than Charlie Sheen.
(Charlie inhales deeply through his nose, eyes closed)
CS: Hello, young man. You have a beautiful spirit color.
CK: … Thanks?
CS: What brings you into the studio today? Are you here to brush up on your downward dog? Your flaming monkey? Maybe your crying goat?
CK: Actually, no. I was wondering if I could ask you some questions.
CS: Absolutely. I always have time for curiosity. You see, our spiritual network bounds us together, person-by-person, through a web of understanding, selflessness, and compassion.
CK: You’re Charlie Sheen, right?
CS: Yes. Though, my students have given me the delightful nickname, “The Calm One.”
CK: Mr. Sheen. My name is Christian, and I’ve come here from another dimension. Another version of earth. And my job is to find out how you compare with my version of Charlie Sheen.
CS: But of course.
CK: You’re not surprised by this?
CS: Shock value is wasted on the simple minded.
CK: Really, because on my earth you have… how should I say this… a reputation.
CS: What sort of reputation?
CK: You’re known mostly for being on a very popular, yet exhaustingly unfunny sitcom and, in addition, a mediocre movie career… And some other small stuff.
CS: Such as?
CK: Well… you’ve also managed to define yourself largely as a narcotic and prostitute enthusiast. And if memory serves, you’ve shot a few guns and threatened to beat up some women.
CS: How shameful.
CK: Surprisingly no. America, or rather, my version of America really eats it up. And we can’t really wait to see what kind of crazy shit you do next.
CS: Is there not another form of entertainment on your earth?
CK: Yes actually. There’s TV though most of it is populated by re-runs of your shitty sitcom. But it’s actually really hard to focus on the other stuff because it seems like, just about every week or so, you top yourself with some new outrageous acid-flashback inspired stunt which only further frames you as the crumbling, sinking, broken, nut cake man we’ve watched you publicly become.
CS: I must cleanse myself of this.
CK: I’m not sure if that’s possible at this point. Charlie, let me ask you – have you ever compared yourself to an F-18 fighter jet?
CS: The self can only be the self. Pure and true.
CK: Have you ever used crack cocaine?
CS: Of course not. The body is a temple. The mind is a sanctuary.
CK: Wow. Have you ever lusted after women?
CS: I am sexually abstinent.
CK: Wait… What!?!?
CS: Sex is a distraction from obtaining what the true self might become.
CK: So nothing? Not even like… hand stuff?
CS: Hand stuff?
CK: Yeah… and “Old fashioned?”
CS: You are disgusting, rude, and inconsiderate the sensibilities of others.
CK: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.
CS: Please leave before I have to call the authorities.
And that was my alternate earth interview with the “zen” Charlie Sheen. By far, one of my most bizarre.
Keep it tuned to CraveOnline!