What Kind of Old Person Will You Be?

Oh, I didn’t mean you, you’re the dapper ageless guy who will never age, like an eternal Clark Kent, doing the nasty in telephone booths.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

And that was sarcasm.

But think about it, like young adults which come in flavors of hipster, douchebag, normal-esque, doormat, nerd of world (ie- all writers except this one for the Crave Online Comedy section), rager, loafer-loner, old people also come in their own particular flavors. However, just because you are a nerd-of-world young adult, doesn’t mean you’ll stay that way as an old person. Rather, you need to determine what you are now to see how your personality will ripen.


Douchebag = Funny little old fella

As a youth, you were a complete toolshed. Few people liked to be around you because you always did or said things that were irritating or mildly offensive, like saying a girl had to give you head by the second date or you’d “dump the dike” or talking about how you would never set foot in a domestic automobile. As an old geezer, you’re shorter, stouter and have a face more like an elf. You’re boastings seem like the silly fabrications of a toddler. People just want to pat you on the head and let you rant.


Nerd-of-world = Wise old man

Good news nerds! (and Crave Online comedy section writers!) Time is definitely on your side. All that time you spend in front of your computers, heatedly discussing the pros and cons of different comic book universes and lecturing to others about greater cultural sensitivity, that makes you into a type of old man that the world needs! You are the diplomat, the tenured professor, the old fella building rocketships in his kitchen. You have things to say and the world wants to hear them. Well done!


Hipster = Smelly demented old man

Ahh the hipster. Well it seems as though karma comes back to bite the hipster in their bony ass. All the preaching, kvetching, blahing and other irritating annoyances that the hipster is given to, don’t make for a swell old lady or man. The hipster turns into that old man that hoards crap all around his house, and not crap that makes sense, like packets of sugar, but weird shit like stuffed owl statues and unpatched inner tubes. The hipster's sense of “fashion” doesn’t translate well in old age, as urine and shit stains are all the old fella can muster to add distinction an outfit.


Normal-esque = Bumbling nutty old man 

"Normal" guys of the world: you have nothing to look forward to. Both you and I know that your so-called normalcy has been a long, fanciful rouse, trying to dupe the world at large. By the time you clock in as a geriatric, you can't keep the vaudeville act up. You fall apart. You sleep with your door open and cover the floor with mixed nuts, welcoming in the squirrels of the neighborhood. You go to the supermarket in red footed pajamas and fall asleep with your head on some hot dog buns. There's a parking meter downtown that you talk to; her name is Bertha. You pick your nose in public, immune to the looks of a horrified public. Enjoy what awaits you.